Recovery and Communication

Communication the front line of Love

Inside our empathic sanctuary, we seek to re-discover the natural healing rhythm of our life flow, trusting that each wave of darkness will ultimately return us to the light.
Trusting our rage to return us to peace.
Trusting our shame to return us to self-love.
Trusting our fear to return us to faith.
Trusting our sorrow to return us to joy.
And trusting the guiding light within to lead us on, ever closer to our true nature.

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Although shame is a form of fear “fear of people” to be precise, coupled with a deep inferiority complex.  I believe all addiction is fear based but there are different varieties of embedded fear.  Not all fear relates to other people.

Step Six Twelve & Twelve

“If we would gain any real advantage in the use of this Step on problems other than alcohol, we shall need to make a brand new venture into open-mindedness.”  Bill W

I have experienced the freedom of releasing my own shame by the Grace of God & being given the opportunity to incorporate group addiction-therapy with the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Does Your Doctor Get Paid by the Drug Companies?


Find out if your doctor is on a list of recieving payments from drug companies.  Granted it doesn’t mean the perks affect the way he prescribes medications.  Or it may mean that he is out for the money and cares nothing about your health. Be sure to listen to the evidence first in the video below.


Just quit drinking or Really Recover?

Page 64 Big Book: Our liquor was but a symptom. We HAD TO get down to causes and conditions.

In recovery we should have at least one person we can tell anything.  Step Five (skip to Star Trek clip) Captain Kirk talks about Spoks, Bones, and his own pain.

Sharing from our heart especially the things that bring us shame, are imperative to share if we are to recover.   Recovery is not just quiting drinking but also to emotionally heal. We won’t recover without the component of emotional transparency. Oh sure we can quit drinking by the art of distraction but we will need meetings the rest of our lives if we don’t address our real reasons for wanting to numb our capacity to feel.

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God Does Deliver Addicts from Their Living Hell


“My Testimony of God’s Grace”

Recovery Farmhouse wants to thank Jennifer Faulk for stepping up and giving her testimony of God’s Grace for a struggling Heroin Addict such as Jennifer and myself.

My name is Jennifer Faulk, and this is my testimony of God’s grace in my life. Grace is God’s undeserved favor. I started using drugs at 13 years old. I was hooked on heroin and crack by the time I was 15 years old. I realized that drugs had become a major problem in my life and although I tried to stop using, I could not. I went into about fifteen detox programs and rehabs over a 15 year period. While in these places I was told that addiction was a disease and had to be treated medically, but later I found out otherwise. Throughout the years I continued using drugs and going into treatment centers to try to quit. I would live on the street, use men, or do whatever it took to make money to support my habit. It was a big vicious cycle. During this time I considered myself to be a Catholic because it is what my family told me that I was from a little girl. All this time I knew that God existed, but I had no real understanding of Him or faith in Him. I thought that what I had to do was get my life together and start going back to Catholic Church on Sundays to be able to go to heaven. At that time I did not know, that what GOD actually wanted was a relationship with me, not my religious rituals.
In the midst of my drug use, a man that I will call Joe came in to my family’s life. He was a born again Christian. My mom told him all about my drug problem and how she tried for years to help me, but her attempts were unsuccessful. This made him want to try to help me. The first time I met him he had his Bible in his hands and he tried to tell me about Jesus, but I did not want to hear it! I pretty much persecuted him and the church. I told him born-again people are crazy if they think they are going to heaven. I told him I was Catholic and would be Catholic until the day I die and nothing would change my mind, because I knew it was the right way. Now, here I was a drug addict claiming to be a Catholic and not even understanding what it meant, persecuting one of God’s people and thinking I knew everything, when in reality I knew nothing. I had no idea how much God actually loved me, and what He had done for me.
Eventually I began taking Suboxone, which is similar to Methadone (a legal form of heroin). I thought it was great, the answer to a so-called clean and sober life, but I was deceived. I eventually got back on crack and heroin, and now I am 28 years old and hit “rock-bottom”. I lost everything including my family. No one wanted to talk to me and my parents did not even want me coming into the town that they lived in. They told me if they even saw me in town, they would have me arrested, and I honestly could not blame them at all because I had robbed them so many times and put them through so much. I’m surprised they didn’t react this way sooner. I did not know what to do. I did not want to keep getting arrested because I hated going to jail. I was staying with the only person who would still talk to me and they were fed up with me. So in my foolish mind I decided that I was going to become a ”functioning addict”. In my mind I thought that this would actually be possible where in reality there was no chance of this happening. Psalm 107:27 says ”they reel to and fro and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wit’s end.” This verse describes me at this time; I was at my wit’s end.
The next verse, Psalm 107:28 reads this: “then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses.” This verse describes the next season of my life. It was Thanksgiving of 2007. Joe had offered to take me out to eat, so I went with him. On the way to the
restaurant, I told him how I planned on obtaining a job and only doing drugs on the weekends, this to me would be considered a functioning addict. He listened to my plan and then asked me if I would like to say a prayer. Still considering myself a Catholic, I said yes because this is what we do on holidays, and it was Thanksgiving. I thought he was crazy, because I knew God did not want to hear from someone like me. After all I was not a Catholic priest or a holy person. Before we prayed he gave me a Scripture. He told me Jesus said in Revelation 3:20, ”Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with ME.” Then he told me to repeat after him. We prayed something like this: “Dear Lord Jesus, I am a sinner, I do need your forgiveness. Thank you for dying on the cross to pay for my sins, I ask you to come into my heart and life and be my Lord and personal Savior, in Jesus’ name, Amen.”
This was not the first time that I said a prayer like this. Joe had asked me to pray something like this before, but I only agreed because I felt pressured. But now something happened, I truly believed that Jesus died on the cross for me to forgive me for all of my sins. I knew something was different, but I did not understand yet. I did not know that Jesus was actually now living inside of my body through His Holy Spirit (just as Jesus promised in John chapter 14). I was now able to pray out loud and knew, without a doubt, that God was hearing every word. I knew something was very different and it was good. My parents forgave me and let me move back home, thanks to God’s divine intervention. I started reading the Bible and it was amazing. It was like the words were jumping off the page talking to me personally. I didn’t want to use drugs anymore. I was able to just stop doing crack but I was still hooked on Suboxone. I decided to start cutting down to wean myself. I also wanted to quit smoking so I switched to nicotine free cigarettes, thinking that this would make it easier to quit. So basically what was going on was, I met Jesus and found out what He did for me on the cross, and now I was going to clean myself up for Him. I was trying very hard to quit everything. It was impossible and I could not understand why. I know now, that God needed to deal with my pride. Jesus is the Deliverer but I was trying to do His job, which of course proved impossible. However, what is impossible with man, is possible with God. John; Chapter 8, states that “he who sins is a slave to sin, but he who the SON sets free is free indeed.” I was a slave to drugs and I was trying to set myself free.
While I was trying to quit, I was reading my Bible a lot. All I could do was talk about the Lord. I tried to tell everyone in my family. I thought all I had to do was tell them this great news and they would believe. That did not happen. They got offended and started accusing me of being back on heavy drugs because they could not understand why all I could talk about was Jesus. This upset me and I eventually was back on crack and heroin. I knew the Lord was not pleased, I was grieving the Holy Spirit who now lived inside of me and even though I wanted to quit badly, I just could not and I felt horrible. I met a man of great faith while traveling from one drug spot to another. He prayed for me and told me that the Lord had delivered me. I thought, “Yeah right!” I did not know what ‘delivered’ meant, but I knew I still wanted to get high. I went to stay with a friend from high school for about five days getting high and surely what was told to me five days before was now happening. Jesus had showed up and delivered me. It was like handcuffs were taken off of me. I had a real encounter with Jesus. I did not see HIM face -to- face, but I did feel HIS presence so powerfully, I was brought to my knees. It was amazing! I confessed to HIM that I was living in complete rebellion against HIM, and I asked HIM to forgive me. I did not want any drugs or cigarettes or alcohol at all. Not only did I not need them, but for the first time I did not want them, because they no longer had control of me. The SON had set me free.
The next thing I knew there were police knocking on the door, so I opened the door and let them in. They asked me if I was okay – I told them I was. I knew the Lord had sent them to get me out of there. But I thought they were going to take me to jail because I had a lot of warrants. They asked me if I had any warrants, and I told them I did. Then I was told to meet them outside and I thought that was strange that they would say that rather than taking me out in cuffs. In the car, I thought we were headed to the jail. I asked the officer who was driving if he knew the Lord, and he replied, “You mean Jesus? Yes, very well.” I said, “Oh, do you work for Him?” He replied, ”Yes, I do”. We arrived at our destination, which to my surprise was not the county jail. The officer pulled up to the emergency room of Palisades Hospital, let me out of the car, and told me to go inside and they would help me. Now, I don’t know if the officer was an angel, or a believer who was so close to Jesus, that he knew that the Lord was telling him to bring me to the hospital and not to arrest me on the warrants. But, if he was a believer and not an angel, I want to be as in touch with Jesus as he was. Early the next morning I called Joe and asked him if he would come and get me. He did. When I got outside of the hospital everything was so bright and beautiful! I never experienced anything like this before. I was delivered and filled with the Holy Spirit. It was Sunday morning so we went to Brooklyn Tabernacle to worship the Lord. Once again the Lord’s unfailing faithfulness came into action, and He made a way for me to go back home and live with my parents. However, on that same day that the Lord delivered me from everything I gave in to temptation. Proverbs 26:11 says “as a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly”. And this is exactly what I did. That night someone I knew offered me a cigarette. I took it, even though for the first time I didn’t actually need a cigarette. Needless to say, before long I was back on everything. It wasn’t long before my parents kicked me out, once again. I thought I had angered the Lord. But I thank God for His mercy, which is Him not giving me what I deserve. Psalm 103:8 says “the Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger abounding in mercy.”
At this point I was using every day, and once again trying to quit because I felt very guilty for using drugs. I kept asking the Lord to forgive me and expressed that I did not want to do drugs anymore. Then one day, in the midst of my mess, I realized I was lying to God. I then confessed to him that I liked using drugs and asked HIM to forgive me and to change my heart. This is where the healing began. He wanted me to be completely honest with Him. What I was doing before was just trying to clear my conscience by telling Him I did not want to use anymore when in reality I did not want to stop. I began crying out to Him and asking Him to deliver me once again. I told Him how weak I was, and how I had no power over the strongholds in my life. I told Him that if HE didn’t do this for me I had no chance. The Scriptures refer to His strength being made perfect in our weakness and when we are weak then we are strong. He showed me what this meant. When I tried to be strong and stop using, I realized how weak I actually was. But when I told Him about how weak I was HE gave me His strength. I kept crying out to Him and then one night I heard Isaiah 1:18 spoken on the television. “Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool”. I knew it was the Lord speaking to me. I knew that the Lord had come to get his lost sheep, just as the good Shepherd is faithful to do (Luke 15:3-7).
He told me in my heart that I was going to have to go to jail and about two hours later I got arrested on a warrant. I knew it was Him. This was His divine intervention and I was at peace with going to jail. I was in there for six months and I used that time wisely. James 4:8 says, “draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded”. As I began to draw near to Him, He proved true to His promise and began drawing near to me. He taught me the meaning of 1 John 1:9 which says “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” You see, I was so used to trying to make up for all the wrongs I did to my parents that my attitude leaked over into my relationship with my heavenly Father. He lovingly corrected me and showed me that once I confess my sins I am forgiven and Psalm 103:12 says “He removes them as far as the east is from the west”. He does not remember, so why on earth would I, or even try to make up for it? He taught me to just move forward, and continue drawing near to my heavenly Father. He wanted me to stop trying so hard to be perfect and to just come to Him and spend time in His Word, talk to Him and allow Him to change me. Before I came home to live with my parents (yes, once again) He healed that relationship. The Lord sent a woman of God to visit me while I was still in jail. Shortly thereafter I had to go to court and upon being released from jail I knew I would need an accountability partner, so I prayed and the Lord provided. (An accountability partner is someone who is there for us to help us make sure that we are staying on point in our walk with the Lord, and spending our time wisely.) I am grateful to the Lord for her. She stood in court with me and offered to be my accountability partner. It is better to ask for one than to pick our own. He is faithful, if we ask we will receive. When I got out of jail, I knew that temptation would still be there. James 1:12 promises this: “Blessed is the man that endures temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to them that love Him”. What a wonderful promise! Also, He gives me a conditional promise – James 4:7 says ”submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you”. So I know that, as long as I submit to God and resist the devil, he has no choice but to leave. Thank You Jesus for these amazing promises! Yes, this time I knew not to give into the temptation, like I did in the past, with the cigarette. The Lord has completely changed my life. He set me free from every addiction that I ever had. The more I get to know Him through His Word and prayer the more I fall in love with Him. He has given me a new beginning and is using me to do His will here on earth. Jeremiah 29:13 is amazing -it reads “and ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.”
Maybe today you are reading this and you never heard the gospel, which simply means the good news. Romans 3:23 says “for all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.” What this simply means is that God is perfect and holy, and we are not. Romans 6:23 says, ”for the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” What this means is that, because of our sin, we owe an eternal death sentence (Hell), but God sent Jesus, God the Son, to earth to take our place and pay the penalty for our sins by His death on the cross. He paid the ultimate sacrifice for our eternal freedom. “Christ died for our sins…He was buried… He rose again the third day…” (1 Corinthians 15:3-4). He did this because He loves us, and did not want us to have to spend eternity in hell. God’s Word says salvation is a free gift. We have the freedom to willingly receive this gift. John 1:12 says ”but as many as received Him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on His name.” Have you received Him? If not, you can do so right now. You can pray this prayer to Him:
God, I am a sinner. I believe that Jesus died for me, and that you raised Him from the dead. I welcome you into my heart and life to be my Lord and personal Savior. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
If you believe with all of your heart what the LORD did for you, and trust Him as your Savior, here is more good news: John 17:3 says, ”and this is life eternal, that they might know the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.” This means eternal life starts now, the moment you believe. Now you can get to know your Savior through reading his Word. The book of John in the New Testament is a good place to start. He talks to you through His Word and you talk to Him through prayer. Also ask Him to guide you to a good Bible teaching church. I pray that this testimony of mine has touched your heart and opened your eyes to what GOD desires to do with your life also. He loves you more than you can imagine and wants to forgive you and restore your life. I pray that you will let Him!

Oprah and Food Addiction

Oprah and Food Addiction
Oprah’s Special Announcment
Oprah’s very public food addiction
Oprah’s Weight Watchers call
Oprah’s ongoing battle with food addiction
You must have seen the Tabloid headlines announcing to the whole world that Oprah hit the 200 pound mark again. Food Addiction is still, after all these years, a reality for her.
I actually read a whole article on this in her O magazine at the gym. I do not agree with the whole new age journey into self that she embraces. Unfortunately all of this is a far cry from her Christian roots, however, I do admire the woman’s openness about her struggle with food addiction (not that it is such an easy thing to hide). Could be that we never would have heard a word about it if it was a struggle with drugs or alcohol.

The Depth of Denial in a Sober Addict

The Depth of Denial in a Sober Addict
Is it easier to claim a life-long genetic disease than to admit core issues and work on them to heal and move on. Generational curses can be lifted and addictions can be cured. It happens. But not while we sit redundant meetings never addressing the real reason we drank and drugged in the first place.
You cannot save your face and save your ass at the same time. If we want to really heal, really overcome addiction we must go to the places where we feel

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It’s no wonder most people fear showing their true self even to their most intimate fellows, with everyone else hiding behind the mask of ego and the bravado of “it’s all good” the man who is truly self-aware and acknowledges a full scale of human emotion feels odd and alone: and so festers our society of anxiety, stress, panic attacks, depression, and lastly mental illness. Bring on the pharmaceuticals cry the Americans from their bed of deception. Seems like the theme of the day is healthy “risk taking”. Without the risk of making one’s self vulnerable in a safe environment we will never grow into the person who becomes who they really are. The person who follows their own heart and God’s leading takes emotional risks.


When we are stripped of all self-worth by the beast of addiction we come into the rooms broken and full of resentment. After our thorough working of the 12 steps we are a clean slate. We are then sponges ready to absorb even download if you will our new programs. Oh yes the “Same man WILL drink again” therefore, if we don’t download a new program we are destined to relapse. We absorb all the good we can around us in the rooms of AA, in the re-hab, from the sober friends we choose. We shut our mouths and listen and learn and grow.


When fear crops up & it will, we share it with empathic listeners who will hopefully validate our feelings. Please don’t confuse this with “validating or co-signing bullshit meaning co-signing wrong behaviors and actions. I don’t know about you but my heart and what’s in it is not bullshit. How can feelings ever be wrong when they come from our own heart? They are who we are and should be given validity otherwise we are still in a process of tearing ourselves down.


We cannot change our own feelings but we can validate and process them. If we don’t have some intimate fellows in recovery that are open and honest enough to admit their own feelings to us they are living behind a wall of ego and a mask of bravado. It is very important for our feelings to be acknowledged so we may then move on. Our feelings absolutely should not paralyze or control us.  However, if they are intense and not addressed (the reoccurring and intense feelings) they will come out sideways by the old survival skill of blame and judgment.


Granted children of God, the skill of fault-finding does work to brush off fear however it usually involves hurting either ourselves or others by developing and nurturing hate & accusation which pollutes our own heart. It is important to surround ourselves with sobriety and good Loving people when we are healing from a life of pain from self-induced abuse. We need not accuse my brethren for accusations are the first fruits of Satan’s own spawn…so says the word. Rev. 12:10 THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

Step Three Father Martin

Great commentary on step three. Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand him.  God’s will for us.  “Get well and stay well”.

Fourth Step Resentment. How do I get over a resentment? It is easy for people to say “GET OVER IT!” And peer down on us because we have a resentment. But what is the fourth step process by which we actually have God remove it?


I went to see Father Martin speak. He agreed to shake hands after the speaker meeting. But then after the meeting he was nowhere to be found. I get a profound and long term resentment toward him for this. Here is how I handle it with God’s help.

Continue reading “Step Three Father Martin”

ADDICTION= Nature? Nurture? or Both

Learn the Why Behind the Addiction.

Countless professionals have identified repressed feelings from childhood as a major factor in addiction.

I used to revel in the fact that addiction is hereditary, genetic even.  I used to be conformed to the idea since addiction is genetic it relieves me of all responsibility and renders me powerless over the past, present, and future.  I thought I had to pick up.  I thought I had no choice.  I was compelled and even after years of sobriety I was convinced that I was basically a victim of the DISEASE of addiction.  And that I also would require treatment for that addiction the rest of my life.  Furthermore I was conditioned in AA to call myself a never-ending “alcoholic/addict” and if I ever thought I was getting well I was in grave danger of relapse and highly delusional.

Well it’s no wonder I adhered so staunchly to such precepts considering I do come from a long line of addicts.  These ideals relived me of much guilt.  I was finally able to put a “why” on my torn personality.  And torn it was, fighting itself to not do what I was compelled at the time to do.

So what changed?  What happened?  Why do I now believe that my addiction was not cause by some obscure gene pool swimming around in my DNA.  Why now do I believe it was nurture or more appropriately a lack of emotional nurturing which caused my sickness?  Well it’s like this, after ten years of prayer, meditation, meetings, and a year of very enlightening therapy I have realized the true “why” behind my drinking and drugging.  Not only that, I also believe most people drink and drug for pretty much the same reasons I did.  Reasons being 1.Shame, 2.pain, 3. an inability to process and deal with feelings.  4. fear of feeling feelings.  5. And finally a lack of God in my life.

Once I cried and screamed out the core issues from childhood which haunted me and were so, so painful I was able to quit being so afraid of my feelings.  Once I worked step 12 for so long I gained true self worth.  Once I realized God really does have my back and finalized my step three my fears were lessened.  Once I learned how to use a fourth step to my advantage including the “fear list” which people seldom talk about anywhere in AA.  Not to mention once I saw the popular misconceptions and scare methodologies in AA and moved away from such precepts of bondage I realized, I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.  And I always had a choice.  I am not some genetic victim who needs AA for the rest of my life.  Furthermore that is NOT what is taught in the Big Book nor was AA ever intended to be a life-long dependency.

Oh yes I see the old timers sitting around in meetings talking about how they are just as close to a drink than anyone and that they are still so, so sick.  Well true if we don’t do the work both step work, spiritual work, and therapy work yes we will always have no advantages over the wet drunk off the street.  But if a man has done the work in these three areas and still considers himself as sick as the foggy eyed newly sober man, then he is a dry drunk and has done nothing to allow himself to heal.  And if we have truly worked the program for a number of years and are no better off than the new-comer who has done no work and has no knowledge of the twelve steps then that speaks for itself a program which is basically worthless.  To say I am still sick is to say the program does not work and my spiritual condition benefited nothing from steps 3 and eleven.  These dogmatic concepts are clearly “false humility” at work.  It is both dishonest and a false testament to lie about the progress which AA provides.  It is clearly rampant false humility to pretend we are in a no better position than the new comer.

Furthermore what man sits in meeting after meeting swearing that someone other than himself “is the most important one in the room”?  More bullshit clearly or am I the only one who goes to AA for his own sobriety?  I have no control over the new comer and he is not more important than me, sorry.  Really?

It’s a choice and I choose to be well.



Laura Edgar Author Page

My Story What it was like, what happened, and what it’s like now


Hi!  My name is Laura Edgar and I am a writer.  My passion is to write about the changes I myself have experienced and just how they came about.  In “Paradise for the Hellbound” the book, I tell this story.  My book also addresses many spiritual and religious topics of which I have experience with.

I don’t think I or anybody should try to write a book about something they know nothing about.  I know about and have experienced profound changes in my lifetime.  I also write about emotional issues and how to get past fear, emotional pain, stress, depression, panic attacks, and addictions.

Change can come to any of us if we do the work to get the results.  When it comes to addictions, if we simply write off our issues as hereditary and non-environment connected then we have little chance of changing.  We may stand firm in our denial and take no responsibility what-so-ever for our addictive tenancies. We simply blame our emotional condition on an obscure gene pool.   Most addicts find for themselves it’s easier to blame our behaviors on a genetic twist of events rather  than emotionally traumatic circumstances.  Simply put, it takes too much work we think to delve into the origin of past hurts and pains.  Not to mention our primal natures bent on protecting the pack (mom, dad, brother, sister, uncle, etc) are so strong protective ideologies step in where enlightenment is scratching and clawing to get out and our true hearts are desperately yearning to be heard.  And then there’s the false pride screaming at the door of truth shaming us into submission.  “Don’t share that truth!” our false pride screams.  “If you share that truth no one will Love you.  For sure, everyone will make fun of you if you express any kind of hurt or need.” So says our false pride.  Yes our own intellectual false pride is at war with our true and feeling heart.

Our own intellect condemns what our heart wants to speak.  Our intellect calls our heart “weak” and “needy” because it wants its truth to be heard and it needs to be loved for who it is.

We have learned through conditioning as adolescents that our truth is wrong and bad.  That even we ourselves are wrong and bad.  So we continue to stifle and repress every authentic truth that springs from our heart.

We submerge ourselves into our left brain where we don’t have to fear feelings like hurt and neglect.  We go to the place which we know is safe from prying eyes that would tell us we are wrong.  In our left brain exercises we are safe.

And be sure…our left brain artistic activities do soothe us and protect us from the pains of rejection and inferiority.  However our activities are but a band-aid for the original wound that begs to be expressed so it can finally heal.  Until we go back into the past and become a vulnerable child.  A child who DOES care what other people thinks of her.  A child who is allowed to say she is hurt and cries.  A child who looks at her friends and says “I want you to like me”  a child who wants to be thought of as good and is GOOD.  Yes until we allow that child who craves mommies love and daddies attention to have her voice.   Until we let our heart have it’s voice all our efforts of distraction are  merely a band-aid on a wound forever seeping.  Our emotional pain without a voice will stay infected.  And many times the infection will come out sideways onto those we love the most, those we have no intention of hurting.

Spirit Guides & Step Eleven

Step Eleven and Spirit Guides

Are Spirit Guides good or bad?

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscience contact with God as we understood Him.  Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

If we meditate regularly we will progress spiritually and emotionally.  Meditation is a way to get to know ourselves at a much deeper level.  It also helps us improve our relationship with God.  And if we keep it up we will most likely have visions, revelations, and enlightenment.  There is also a good chance we will meet our fellowship in another realm (dimension).

Why do certain religious sects believe if you meditate and see your Spirit Guides then you are deceived by Satan.  And that all guides are evil.  Why wouldn’t God give us blessed entities to help us?  Why is it so hard to believe in other good Spirits besides Jesus, God, Angels, Satan, and demons?  The only thing I can figure out is closed mindedness, dogma, and teachings that have been passed from generations to generations which dictate Spirit guides are evil.  But the Bible says even we will do miracle’s.  Even Jesus said “the miracles I do you will do also and even more”.

John: 14:12
“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the WORKS that I do he will do also; and GREATER WORKS than these he will do, because I go to My Father.”

The Jewish leaders told Jesus he was working for Satan when he cast out demons and this is what he said.

Mathew 12

“And knowing their thoughts Jesus said to them,  Any kingdom divided against itself is laid waste; and any city or house divided against itself will not stand. 26 If Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself; how then will his kingdom stand?”

So if my Spirit Guides teach me the 12 Principles, Love, peace, and goodwill how is that evil?  My counselor says that those who preach against Spirit Guides are just scared of us going to Hell.  Well maybe.

Here’s a link to a more positive description of Spirit Guides.

Paradise for the Hellbound contains stories of my supernatural dreams, visions, white light experiences and more.  Including the Baptism of the Holy Spirit.


Many Christians have been taught to fear Satan and to see him in every supernatural occurrence  in life. For many religious folks it’s easier to believe a miracle of Satan than a miracle of God.  Many Bible Christians don’t believe in the gifts of healing, tongues, deliverance, prophecies, or even resurrection, and reincarnation.   To the dogmatic and fearful all miracles are of Satan or not at all.  All this belief in spite of what the Bible says:

But here is their own Bible telling them of both good Spirits of God and bad spirits.

First John 4:1

 “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God;”

Hebrews Chapter 12 Is written about the difference between the old and new covenants.  From the Ten Commandments and a story of punishment and sin to the gospel of Jesus and the precepts of Love.  The law of Moses and the Ten commandments represented by Mount Sinai to the story of forgiveness and salvation represented by Mount Zion (Sion).


22 But ye are come unto mount Sion, and unto the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company of angels,

23 To the general assembly and church of the firstborn, which are written in heaven, and to God the Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect,

24 And to Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel.”

Here’s a link to a typical Christian website and typical attitude toward the prospect of Spirit Guides.

So what then is the Bible talking about when it mentions “Spirits of just men made perfect”?  Many Christians do not realize that once we pass away we will still have jobs to do.  Granted I suppose some people will just retire into a life of paradise and complacency…but I doubt that everyone will; otherwise how would The Kingdom of God progress lest we do a little more work?  Being a Spirit Guide to a struggling human could be a job many of us would be quite good at.

AA and step three-Turned our will and our life over to the care of God.

Hope To The Suffering Addict


I know what it’s like to be torn in two.  Half of me desperately wanting to be sober and clean.  The other half tearing at me convinced that I am a slave to drugs and that I have no choice in the matter…I must use.  In this case it might have been better to have NO CONSCIENCE WHAT SO EVER.  But I could not tear the very heart of me out and replace it with a sober emotionally balanced and spiritually grounded heart.

I was squittled.  It seemed there was nothing I could do.  I was a slave to crack, methadone, morphine, cigarettes, alcohol and an emotional & mental mess I might add.  Denial was the closest thing to peace of mind that I had.  But denial was the counterfeit of Peace.


On good Friday 2006 I was walking on the sidewalk when I got stopped by a cop.  I was in a county called “GilChrist”.  I had no idea it was Good Friday until the cop threw me in jail because of warrants.  Warrants I was also unaware of.  I was lost.  I screamed at the cop all the way to jail.

As I sat in the holding cell I prayed to God; “please lesson the withdraw symptoms”  The withdraw wasn’t nearly as bad as it should have been.  After about two weeks in jail my decrepit mind began to realize what I had done with my life.   The guilt in me for neglecting my nine year old daughter still eats at my heart.  Even after doing a step nine with her and all the rest of the steps.

I don’t know if a mother’s brand of guilt ever really goes away totally.  If I had a million dollars I would buy her the world to make up for my horrible horrible behavior.  Even though my crack days were limited to about a year on and off.  If was the second worst drug of them all. I was unavailable and when I did have my daughter I exposed her my addiction.   Clearly injecting Cocaine was the most horrific drug abuse.  It left me a basket case of panic attacks and shadows of experiencing the deepest fear you can ever imagine.  Those days ended in my twenties, way before I had my daughter.        I could not keep that up.  It’s a whole other story for another day.

In Jail

My head cleared up.  I prayed allot.  I remembered the first time I had gotten sober for a very long time due to a spiritual experience.  I had sought God in a little Baptist church in the meadow.  The pasture was a sweet old man.  There was also a minister woman.  She put her hand on my chest where all my pain lived as I was leaving the Sunday morning service.  She said; “God has something for you, come to the evening service”.  And so I did, and I received prayer and the laying on of hands from five or six Christian believers.

I recieved the Holy Spirit that night.  The story is in my book “Paradise for the Hellbound”    I spent a year as a student with that women Sister Petty.  She taught me allot.    There is also an article about my overdose here which lead me to seek God. .

Back to 2006

Between my first spiritual experience back in 1989 and my second stay in rehab, in 2006 and Alcoholics Anonymous I was finally able to release most of my fear and pain.  But I spent a year in therapy.  The right therapy.  It also changed me for the better.  Honestly one touch from God made me a different person.  Morally I was changed for ever.  Seek God my friend.  Seek with every fiber of your being.  God out into the world and follow your heart.  God to the church that draws you in.  And it will if you listen to the still small voice.  GOD DELIVERS HIS CHILDREN FROM BONDAGE ALL THE TIME WE JUST HAVE TO SEEK HIM.  SAY JESUS’ NAME ALOUD AND GIVE THANKS OVER AND OVER.. I found that the laying on of hands in prayer is magical.  Working the 12 steps is miraculous as well but in a different way.  Every addict should go to therapy for at least a year in my opinion.  When they get sober I mean.


When I got out of two months in jail and thirty days of rehab I began my knew life.  I raised my daughter in loving environment for the next eight years till she grew up and moved out.  I made amends.  I took meetings into the very jail I got sober in.  I shared my experience strength and hope with the women for two years straight before I got service burn out.  I started a successful business.  I wrote a book and published it.  I have been in a good relationship for ten years.  I have been sober nearly ten years also.  I have been healed by writing, sharing, prayer, meditation, telling my story, chairing meetings, doing step four and five over and over.  I love my life for the first time ever.

But without Jesus, God, I am hopeless.  Call your God by any name.  Names are not important but seeking is.  And seeking is done by the heart and the footwork.



Who are you buying Your Big Book from?

The Big Book is in the public domain.  Therefore when Amazon sells it Amazon gets the money not World Services.

After much study and research I have concluded this article I found online is the best one on the topic of The Big Book, it’s profits, and it’s copyright laws.  Editions One & Two are in the public domain.  That’s why Amazon and other book manufacturers are selling it at full profit.  Meaning AA gets nothing from the sales.  There are a few theories as to why AA failed to renew it’s copyrights.  Read the article.

Is the Big Book Shrinking?
By Meg Williams 07/09/13
The Big Book remains the place to find AA’s program of recovery. But thanks to competing publishers and free apps, literature revenues are falling. Is there anything World Services can do?
Will AA’s publishing revenues soon become small beer? Photo via
When the 63rd General Service Conference of Alcoholics Anonymous met this April, the delegates representing AA groups from the US and Canada passed a motion to allow AA World Services (AAWS) to “use commissioned online stores to sell and distribute digital AA literature.”

AA literature is already widely available on the web. This includes the AA website’s links to the current edition of Alcoholics Anonymous and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. But other vendors also publish editions of the Big Book online, downloadable for free or for a nominal charge. At this point, AAWS has already lost considerable business to these other publishers. Many would ask, “Why is AA allowing this?” The answer: AA has no legal recourse to stop it.

Individual AA members must choose whom to pay for the Big Book, if they choose to pay at all.
The first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous has been public domain since 1967, when AA failed to renew its copyright on the text. AA also failed to renew the copyright on the second edition, causing it to lapse in 1983. In both cases, most sources say that AAWS failed to act simply because of a lack of understanding of the applicable copyright laws.

Of course, other theories have been proposed. Some suggest that AA let the copyright lapse to dodge any liability resulting from the fact that Bill Wilson claimed he was the only author at the time the Big Book was first copyrighted. (Other people are known to have written portions of the book, including “To Employers” and “The Doctor’s Opinion,” for example.) Moving these works into public domain then re-copyrighting the third edition and not claiming that Bill Wilson was the only author would prevent anyone from suing AA over the original copyright. These same sources add that AA’s General Service Office (GSO) claimed to misunderstood the law in order to hide its true motives. This theory needs to be qualified by saying that these sources seem to have a bone to pick with AA in general. They present evidence to support their claims; however, it is very difficult to confirm its veracity, due to the lack of documentation available to the public from the AA’s service structures.

Whatever its reasons, this apparent oversight has caused a considerable headache for AAWS and the GSO as a whole, because a large part of their budget comes from literature sales. The projected net income from sales for the year of 2013 was $7,782,800. This figure represents profits after subtracting all costs for royalties, manufacturing and shipping. This money was expected to cover 54% of GSO’s expenses for 2013. The 2013 gross income was budgeted at $95,000 less than 2012—showing a decline in sales, though not a steep one. GSO hoped to compensate by reducing production and distribution costs in order to increase the profit margin.

Although the current laws would have extended the copyright until at least 2021, AAWS must adhere to the laws that were in place when the first and second editions were published. The applicable law, the 1909 Copyright Act, dictates that copyrights must be renewed in writing after 30 years. International copyright laws, on the other…read more at “The Fix”

I validated the claims of this article by researching all day.  Here are some of the verifications.  What happened to the triangle in the circle?



Recovery from Grave Emotional Disorder



Most parents don’t have any idea what emotional nurturing is.  First instinct when we hear this parental blight is to protect the pack.  The pack are usually the very people (family) who inadvertently taught us to shut down who we really are.  Grave emotional disorder is at the core of addictive personalities.  “Grave disorder(How it Works)” is basically constipated and stifled emotions.  We addicts often  learned how not to cry and how not to share our heart.  We learned to wear a mask and hide who we are so we wouldn’t get hurt.  So we thought.  If your emotions are healthy and happy then why in the hell did you try to drink and drug yourself to death?  Come on now.  Oh right you did it because of an innate gene pool.   Well then for you there could be no cure.  But for those of us who have learned a twisted set of emotional responses and survival tactics.  We can unlearn them.  You can’t swim your way out of a gene pool.

We in AA have identified an array of character defects that are the culprits of our addictive patterns. Among these are the inclination to control everyone and everything around us. Some of us are painfully controlling while others are more passive-aggressive with their scheming. Our defects cause friends and family to run from us like we are ravenous wolves.
Some of us have learned to use other people’s control defect to our advantage. We can passively control others by handing over a certain amount of our own power to them.
Ah yes how we can puff up a gentlemen’s ego by asking him to make our choices for us. Handing over our decision making is a perfect way for a damsel to relinquish responsibility for any consequences of that decision. At the same time, it makes our Knight in shining armor feel so powerful and smart that he is more than willing to help us. The problem is the Knight is weaving his own manipulation, there are many invisible strings attached to his assistance.
When we snatch our power back and the knight inevitably becomes disturbed we will just label him possessive and take out a restraining order. Yikes! Don’t try this at home!
The damsel and the gentlemen is just one example of controlling behavior. We have all seen those who are painfully controlling, they are the one’s running around like directors on a movie screen. When the movie doesn’t play out like they want it to, they promptly fall apart or get very angry and spin around a bit screaming and yelling. Take controlism up another notch and you have obsessive compulsive disorder.
The fact is if resentment is rearing its ugly head you can bet there is a fear at the heart of it. (Pg.417 BB) Getting in touch with one’s own “God syndrome” is important during a fourth step. Once we have established the identity of our controlling side we can use that knowledge in all our tenth steps. Contrary to popular portrayal in The Rooms resentments do crop up and it doesn’t mean we are not “working a program”. People can be ass-holes and they are going to piss us off. Getting a resentment lets us know we are still [feeling] and still sober. Holding on to resentment is dangerous and can result in misery if not checked.
Finding the part of us who wants to play god doesn’t happen for everybody. Some sober people just never get it…the blame game worked for them for so long they are just incapable of trying a healthy solution. You will find them engaging in numerous sick relationships with train wreck break-ups that are never their fault.
The steps are in order for a reason meaning the third step must be done before a fourth will have that supernatural kick. With God’s help the revelation of self will happen during our fourth step.
If we realize our resentments are rooted in wanting to control other adults and the fear that accompanies a of lack of power pg. 45 Big Book then join the club, but consider yourself blessed you already know yourself better than many

Oprah The Magic of Gratitude

Please click the picture to see the precious video.
Gratitude Louis Schwartzberg

Oprah sits down with award-winning filmmaker Louie Schwartzberg to discuss his time-lapse nature photography and the inherent spirituality revealed through nature. Louie, whose TED talk on gratitude has been viewed more than 6 million times, captures breathtaking images on film that are often unseen by the naked eye and that celebrate the gift of life.

As Oprah and Louie view some of his most magnificent work, they discuss how nature can act as one of our greatest spiritual teachers. A firm believer that beauty is nature’s tool for survival, Louie also shares how the awe of seeing nature can make one more present and mindful and can help us connect to our inner voice. By allowing viewers to see that which can’t be seen, Louie hopes to cultivate gratitude and an awareness that nature is a reflection of the human experience.

Read more:

Father Martin-Gratitude

Gratitude “The Queen of the virtues”

“Gratitude is the only coin by which man can buy God.  The most appropriate depiction of addiction is soul sickness.”  Denial is a prostitution of the soul.”  “You cannot trample on your conscious without pain.”  He tells a joke.  WOW THIS MAN CAN PREACH AA!

Published on Dec 17, 2012
Father Martin speaks about “Gratitude” in this video in such an effective way. Allow someone to view this with you so that they can get the information that they need especially if they are in need of support.
“Fair Use” Section 107 through 118 of the copyright law title 17 U.S. Code for educational purposes

Published on Dec 18, 2012
Sharing such treasures like this is important. In this video Father Martin speaks about the importance of “Forgiveness” in the “Recovery” process. Hope that you get something out of watching this like thousands of other people in recovery has.