It took me nearly a year to go from 3 pills a day to one. But it was relatively without fear until I got down to 3/4 a pill. So I pulled out some tools that have in past times worked best for me. I went to a meeting and stated my plan to get off suboxone, subutex.
I previously prayed steps 2 & 3 that God deliver me from the obsession compulsion by stopping the gnawing voice to take more pills.
I pulled out the God box I made years ago and put my fears of failure and addiction in it.
And began a diary type fear list to practice what I preach that its reactions to unprocessed repressed fear that does the damage of addiction. The Truth will set us free. Me free.
I got down to 3/4 pill a day and felt fear and took another extra half after 4 days on 3/4. I gave in. I felt failure. I promised I would not condemn myself, but rather keep getting back up.
During the detox on 5-13-21 I felt—
I have a wrenching feeling in my gut with a voice telling me to take more pills that it’s the solution. (a lie) The pills no longer work in the way the voice tells me.
I prayed against the voice and realized I didn’t confess the fears of
present uncomfortable wrenching feelings.
I realized I fear
future feelings and present feelings.
I got the dominant fears on paper.
I realized my 4 steps forward one step back pattern has been present all the way from 4 pills a day to now at 1 pill a day & less. I won’t beat myself I don’t have the right and it doesn’t help. Self abating is not one of the 12 steps and creates a whole other line of problems.
I must speak kind to myself always. No matter what.
Took 1/3 pill. Will likely take 1/4 tonight.