Great commentary on step three. Made a decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understand him. God’s will for us. “Get well and stay well”.
Fourth Step Resentment. How do I get over a resentment? It is easy for people to say “GET OVER IT!” And peer down on us because we have a resentment. But what is the fourth step process by which we actually have God remove it?
I went to see Father Martin speak. He agreed to shake hands after the speaker meeting. But then after the meeting he was nowhere to be found. I get a profound and long term resentment toward him for this. Here is how I handle it with God’s help.
It’s easy for people to say “just let it go”. But there is a process in letting go of stuff like that and it involves the fourth step and some depth of awareness, and action. What I do is write down the incident “what happened”. Then I express my feelings about the event. First I feel anger because it’s an easier emotion than the feelings that make me appear weak and vulnerable. But underneath the anger “I was hurt, I felt insulted by FM as if I was not worth his attention. I felt inferior, I felt rejected and ‘lesser than’. What then is the “fear” that is driving my insecure emotions? I fear I really am not worth being liked or loved. I fear I am not worthy. That I really am lesser than and worthless. Please remember our intellect and our heart are two different things. MY HEART DOES NOT HAVE TO BE LOGICAL. BUT IT’S INTENSE FEELINGS DO NEED TO BE HONORED. People confuse their intellect as if it were at the core of a resentment. Sure I know I am valuable logically. But my heart has been taught different. It needs some healing attention and a faithful ear. These are the fears that drive most resentments. It takes a courageous man to really know his own heart and to show his heart the respect it deserves. And all these inferiority feelings come from the conditioning which my early years experiences taught me. My parents and others taught me to be ashamed and that I am lesser than, so my heart believed and trusted them as if it were true. Now I ask my HP to remove the fear that I am lesser than and the low self-worth which I was taught. I am a child of The King, I am royalty. I am worthy of both Love and other good things. So now I explore my part in the incident. I had expectations. I assumed the rejection was about me and really Father Martin’s actions had no bearing on me and who I am. I am not trusting God by my fear. I am not trusting that God loves me and gives me value. Step 12 will intensely improve my self worth. I realize I am not showing Love and understanding by assuming the worst about F.Martin. Did he really wrong me? Did he break an appointment? Maybe something horrific came up with him so he could not meet me. I ask God to help me forgive FM. I forgive FM in word and I ask that my heart follow my words of forgiveness. I am sure to write all this down and ask God to remove my fears of worthlessness, shame, inferiority. I pray for FM every day till the resentment is gone. If need be I confess my fears step 5. Most fears are about fear of loss, either sex, society, or security. I fear for my reputation. I do care what other’s think of me and I do not pretend that I don’t. This type fear is “society” based. If other people saw the instance I may have deep shame because I feel other people saw my rejection or lowliness. If you can grasp these core heart concepts I have just laid out then you have bitten off some huge truths about yourself and human nature. If you have a resentment and believe you have no fear behind it, well denial works too. Most people in AA I know like to pretend they don’t get resentments and are basically “perfect” except for their grave disease of addiction which most people like to pin on some obscure genetic mishap. Really addiction is no more than an inability to process feelings of fear/repression/and denial. All covered up by a host of character defects. Step 12 will intensely improve my self worth. During Step 11 meditation I go over the good things I did today, like a meeting, charity, step work. Positive affirmations work.