SOBRIETY-damned if I do and damned if I don’t

How to get clean and sober, emotional sobriety, recovery and emotional healing.

 

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Hi I am Lori I am a recovered alcoholic crack head, heroin addict. Before I came to AA I learned how NOT to cry. I was in abusive relationships and cried so many times I swore I wouldn’t allow my verbally abusive x husband to make me shed another tear. Unfortunately I turned those tears into anger and then wrath. I nearly killed my x husband at one point. When I came to AA and group therapy it was by cop car from a 60 day vacation in Levy County jail. I watched many women shed many tears in my new woman’s therapy group. They were able to let their feelings flow out with their tears. They were finally talking about things that hurt them and what they were ashamed of. After the first group session I attended I looked at my counselor and said “I don’t belong in this group, I don’t have any pain.” I was a tough girl a survivor I had to be to survive on the streets. read more…

 


But that tough girl persona wasn’t going to help me now.  If anything it would have made it impossible for me to recover unless I abandoned it and allowed people to know what I was feeling inside.  I had to be honest about what I was feeling and what I had done or I might as well pick up my stem and concede to self destruction.

When I got sober I felt like I had a crushing heavy pain filled bowling ball sitting in my chest.  I felt as if I were a cracked vase that would shatter to pieces at any moment .  I felt an impending doom that encompassed me preventing me from feeling joy, happiness and peace.  But even with all these feelings I was terrified of going back to the crack traps and jail. I had just detoxed off Methadone, crack, Xanex, cigarettes, caffeine, and alcohol.   I  had the worst insomnia so it was like living in hell 24/7 .  My anxiety was sky high.  IT SEEMED LIKE SOBRIETY- damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Each day I got out of bed I chose sobriety and just prayed it would get better and it did.  I had been arrested on Good Friday of 2006.  Nearly ten years ago …I sometimes take for granted things like peace of mind and freedom.  I forget how miserable I was and how much God has done for me.  That’s why I write and why I go to AA groups and share.

In a nutshell this is how I got and stay sober for nearly ten years, but more importantly this is how I prevent my own misery, anxiety, and depression:  By working the 12 steps enough times for it to become a way of life (once a year for 7 years).  By doing the valid suggestions of AA and rehab.  Taking meetings to jails and institutions.  Telling my story, what is was like, what happened, and what it is like now, Having fun doing AA functions.  Getting close to nature outdoors, the beach, parks, springs, woods, etc.  Extensive meditation and prayer.  Church.  A year of group recovery therapy which taught me how to let out and process intense emotions so they don’t turn to bitterness.  Eating right and exercise.

 

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