Church Releases Jarring Video: Battling Sex Addiction With Honesty

Church Releases Jarring Video: Battling Sex Addiction With Honesty

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The name of the Mormon website is LDS Living

In honor of National Addiction Recovery Month, the Mormon Channel is releasing a series of powerful and raw videos, which focus on the struggles and triumphs of those overcoming various addictions.

The 12-part series focuses on the personal experience of 12 former addicts who share startlingly honest and real experiences of their fights to overcome drug, alcohol, food, sex, and pornography addictions. read more…

Here is the link to the video

SCOTT PETERSON To Be Featured on ‘Murder Made Me Famous’

FAMOUS SEX ADDICT AND CONVICTED MURDERER SCOTT PETERSON, UPDATE:  Show Airs on Reelz August 25, 10pm, 9 ep/pt

The Scott Peterson, Laci Peterson, Modesto, California murder case will make the next episode of Murder Made Me Famous on Reelz.  Read more in the inquisitor…                                                                                                                                (Please know the partial story printed here was written by

Traciy Reyes http://www.inquisitr.com/author/traciy/  )

Sex addict Scott Peterson lives a cushy life on death row  after murdering his pregnant wife and unborn child.  It’s said that he did it for his mistress Amber Frey who he was seeing at the time.  Consequently,  Peter Reynosa filed a lawsuit late Wednesday in Fresno County Superior Court, seeking either $250,000 or Frey’s renewed cooperation on the book, titled “Memoirs of a Sex Addict,” and the screenplay, “Myths of the Flesh.”

It is unclear if the book was fiction or a memoir by Frey, but a document attached to the lawsuit that Reynosa said is a contract says authorship would be listed as “Amber Frey as told to Peter Reynosa.”  Talk about a can of worms.

The screenplay — which is fiction, Reynosa said — was at one point known as “Orgasms of the Dying.”  Read more here:

Read more here: http://www.mcclatchydc.com/news/crime/article24614536.html#storylink=cpy

Scott Peterson “The Perfect Husband” Crime Archives Scott Peterson Trial – Scott & Laci Home Video – July 4th, 2002
Geraldo video from March when he appealed his death row sentence.

see original article in new tab

The Scott Peterson, Laci Peterson, Modesto, California murder case will make the next episode of Murder Made Me Famous on Reelz. Last Week, the Inquisitr reported on the debut of the new Reelz show. Tonight’s Murder Made Me Famous will detail the actual events of the murder of Laci Peterson, who was eight months pregnant, and her unborn baby, Connor. Laci’s death made headlines in 2002 after she vanished on Christmas Eve. When her body washed ashore several months later, her husband, Scott Peterson, was charged with murder. Today, he still sits on California’s death row, where he seems to be living a “cushy’ life,” according to Daily Mail.

Laci Peterson was a bubbly, cute, dark haired beauty. By all accounts, she was a talented young woman with many friends and was a beautiful homemaker. She enjoyed being a housewife, and she loved putting together exquisite meals for her friends and family members. When you were invited to Laci’s house, you knew you were going to have a good time. And this is exactly the kind of image that Laci wanted to portray.

According to the Movies Based On True Stories Archives, Laci emulated Martha Stewart, and other shows that encouraged women to be the perfect homemakers. Impressing her friends with her beautifully organized Modesto home sure made people feel cozy, and it gave Laci lots of pride. Her husband, Scott, liked that about her, too—in the beginning.

Scott Peterson was a handsome dark-haired man who appeared to be a successful businessman. From the outside looking in, it seemed that life for the Petersons was just perfect. In reality, Laci was not was not happy with Scott. Though at times he could be charming and reassuring that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, behind the scenes, he was longing for life as a single man. Scott loved three things: money, porn, sexy women who loved lots of sex, and himself—so that makes four. see original article in new tab
More on the Scott Peterson appeal
FULL BLOWN SEX ADDICT
Scott Peterson’s ex-girlfriend sued over ‘sex addict’ book

What is Sin?

What sin is depends on the person who is defining it for themselves. What is sin to one person may not be sin to another. My own conscience is what guides me as to whether I am committing a sin or not. If I feel guilty, truly guilty about an action then it is sin to me.

Many people suffer from false guilt at times by feeling responsible for other people’s condition. However that happens to people who feel they have way more power than they actually do. Unless I have wronged a person by literally physically or verbally disrespecting them I am not responsible for their condition. Furthermore even if I do hurt someone emotionally by my words, it is ultimately up to that person to work through their own emotions. I can’t process anyone’s emotions for them. I can’t work through your hurt for you. I can’t cry for you to get it out and I can’t let it go for you by praying to God the Serenity Prayer.

We are all responsible to process our own emotions. I can no more cry for you than I can tell you what is sin for you. Granted there are the clear cut cases of people who have no conscience and therefore have nothing to label as sin. And there are the clear cut cases of violent crimes against others that on a universal standard are easily defined as wrong. But if I am a person who can go out and kill with no guilt feelings what so ever even if I am killing the innocent, then there is no such thing as sin to me only right and wrong as defined by other people. My own conscience is what defines my sin.

“Sin” is a religious and moral term, some people have no morals in their heart, these people should abide by the law. Then there are those who feel even a cuss word is sin or masturbation or sex is sin I have one word for these people. KEEP YOUR SINS TO YOURSELF, no adult has the right to tell other respectful law abiding adults what to do. So I say bugger-off sinner.

The Singleness of Purpose AA

It appears the singleness of purpose has gotten a little complicated. However, it remains clear that we should not censor drug addict alcoholics in meetings (within time limits).  We allow them their recovery and ability to share their experience, strength and hope.  Here’s a quote from the article published by the general service office of AA.

“In a presentation at the 1983 Conference entitled “Are
we helping the dually addicted?” delegate Dyanne G.
described the way her group welcomed her. “I will continue
to thank God that I came into an A.A. group spiritually
fit enough that its members did not find it necessary
to censor my conversation or actions in order to
protect themselves. I did talk about drugs, and I used a

lot of four-letter words to do it! My group allowed me
the dignity to choose to change these things and the freedom
to do it when I could, not when they thought I
should. . . . My group seems to have no trouble sticking
to our single purpose, which is to carry the message to
still-suffering alcoholics, however damaged and confused
they are in the beginning . . . . There is a fine line
between upholding our singleness-of-purpose Tradition
and limiting or restricting our membership. The day
A.A. appears to be rejecting people who may be alcoholic,
we will begin to die. What good will it do us if,
while we are defending our ‘rights,’ A.A. is destroyed?”

SEE GENERAL SERVICE OFFICE OF AA ARTICLE ON SINGLENESS OF PURPOSE HERE

“ADDICTION” The Disease Concept Has Been Smashed?

“The True Cause of Addiction Has Been
Discovered and its Not What You Think.”

Comments are open at the bottom of the page.
There are two original articles. skip to original article Click here to read SKIP TO ARTICLE

The true cause of addiction has been discovered and some people are not going to like what they read. Addicts whether alcoholic addicts or drug addicts have enjoyed the “disease concept” because it means that they are not responsible for having the symptoms and not being able to stop. The disease concept says; ‘hey your just as innocent as a cancer patient, its not your fault that you can’t stop drinking and drugging.’   But, the thing is either way we are innocent I believe.   Learned behaviors and feelings that spring up from a young innocent age from abuse and neglect by even our own families still leaves us innocent.   We were rarely taught how to cope with horrible circumstances or how to grow emotionally.  Seldom were we shown an example of an emotionally sober parent figure.  Therefore between AA and therapy we have been given the chance to learn emotional sobriety.<
video version

Addiction is currently defined as a chemical dependency caused entirely by the way the body reacts to a certain substance.

But Johann Hari, author of “Chasing The Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs,” believes it is a vital element of one’s life that drives a person to addiction.

He recalls seeing an anti-drug commercial in the 1980s featuring an old experiment in which a rat was placed in a cage with two water bottles.

One bottle contained pure water while the other was laced with heroin or cocaine…read more

TRUE CAUSE OF ADDICTION (short version) READ NOW!

This link is the original article by the scientist: Johann Hari Become a fan
Author of ‘Chasing The Scream: The First and Last Days of the War on Drugs’

READ THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE FROM HUFFINGTON POST

AA Tradition Ten Again

What Tradition Ten is actually about  .

Above is the LINK to the long version of tradition 10 however to fully understand the tradition it should be read in the Twelve and Twelve.  

Tradition Ten According to AA Dogma Not the whole picture.  I don’t implicate AA because I have an opinion.  I implicate AA if I am speaking in a professional capacity for AA. and it’s groups, or offices.
Tradition Ten apparently not a long enough version 10. No A.A. group or member should ever, in such a way as to implicate A.A., express any opinion on outside controversial issues — particularly those of politics, alcohol reform, or sectarian religion. The Alcoholics Anonymous groups oppose no one. Concerning such matters they can express no views whatever.

Sorry guys I took the filters off for this article mainly because I have repeatedly been told I don’t have a right to express my own opinion because of Tradition Ten, ABSURD HUH?  And we wonder why people think AA is a cult.

The AA Cliché as a Weapon of War Comes from a Broken Heart and a misguided mind.

Disclaimer: Not everyone uses these cliches with the motives of a killer.  Some people say them in kindness and a helpful spirit.

  1. What does “keep coming back” really mean?

You’re an ass hole and don’t know shit about sobriety, I am way more emotionally sober than you are you need way more meetings than I do.

 

  1. Some are sicker than others:

You’re a sick bastard way more fucked up than I ever was when I got here so you need more meetings than I do.

  1. “Gratitude is an action” Right, come along we are going gratituding tonight. Right; makes perfect sense.

To the Pirate AA dictionary scholar.

  1. ‘Time takes time’ Brilliant saying simple and profound and lets not leave out redundant as hell, redundancy is redundant after all.
  2. Tradition Ten has morphed: It started out as a rule for those who speak for the whole of AA.  AA AS A WHOLE takes no official view or opinions on outside issues read it in the Twelve and Twelve under ‘Tradition Ten’.

        Morphism-We members are not allowed to have an opinion on politics or religion or anything and everything called outside issues.  And if I don’t like your opinion I will stamp ‘outside issue’ on it and shut your ass down fast.  Right, another AA cliché sword that holds no truth whatsoever.  Hello, we got sober to gain enough self-esteem to grow into who we are and what our views are and if we express them, it is a good thing.  No opinion my ass.  There are very few people who speak for the whole of AA. and they are the only ones who must not co-sign on outside issues WHEN SPEAKING FOR THE WHOLE of AA in a formal and professional capacity and a trusted servant of AA.  If you think, you’re not allowed to have an opinion on outside issues keep your fucking opinion to yourself.  Also AA groups should be included in speaking for AA in any capacity and Tradition Ten Law.  Plain and simple when I am not speaking for AA I can have and express my opinion.   

  1. Anger is a character defect and should quickly be suppressed so it will come out sideways later on at the one’s you love most.   Just like we no longer get resentments once we are sober.  Well I resent all the bullshit I have heard in the rooms and this is me getting it out.  Hurt or fear fuel anger or control issues I will get to that later.  Anger is a God given emotion that can be dealt with by crying, journaling, screaming in your car, guttural sounds, and talking things out. 

 

 

 

My Seven Seconds In Hell

My Seven Seconds In Hell Dale Garrett’s story and Mark Buckner’s story of a meth lab explosion
Dale Garrett on fire
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MByysaBSKU

 

 

DALE GARRETS STORY

On December 14th 2011 the meth lab I was operating blew up and set me on fire leaving me to die in my own destructive ways. But then a miracle happened- God had plans for my life and he reached down and put the flames out. I spent several months in the hospital receiving surgeries and skin grafts and then sentenced to 10 years in the Iowa state prison. I am now out on parole and doing what I feel God has called me to do- reach out to others still struggling with addictions. I have written a book about my accident and how I have found recovry with God. The book is called “My 7 Seconds in Hell the Complete Story” and is available through Amazon both online and paperback. Anyone who is experimenting with making meth I strongly urge you to check this book out. I may very well save a life. A miraculous story of survival SEE MORE…

Or just watch his testimony/his story:

Tommy Rosen ‘Yoga and Recovery’

From: The Amrit Yoga Institute.  Recovery and Yoga

Recovery 2.0 Retreat
with Tommy Rosen and Yogi Amrit Desai

Join us for this life changing 3-Day Recovery Retreat with Yogi Amrit Desai and addiction/recovery expert Tommy Rosen. These two engaging teachers are combining forces to offer a powerful workshop experience that unifies the ancient practices of yoga and meditation with modern-day recovery philosophy.

In this workshop you will experience and learn about:

Yoga and Meditation (which embrace the concepts of surrender, acceptance and gratitude) innovations in 12-Step Holistic Recovery
Developing inner strength to move beyond habits and addictions
connecting your inner and outer worlds accessing the joy and peace within.

This is going to be an outstanding experiential weekend to help you bring recovery alive in your life. This program is for anyone whose life has been touched by addiction as well as loved ones of those who suffer.

The point is to thrive on your path of recovery! Come learn how.

Yogi Amrit Desai is a pioneer in sharing the inner dimension of the ancient teachings of yoga. For the past 54 years he has been teaching and developing practical methods and techniques to help people heal and transform their lives from the Source.

Tommy Rosen uniquely combines his 24 years of recovery from addiction, his extensive experience with the 12 Steps, and his study and practice of kundalini yoga and meditation to offer students a path to overcoming addiction and healing.

Jaya Lakshmi and Ananda will be working with Tommy during his teaching sessions, adding live music.
Included in this program: Kirtan with Jaya Lakshmi and Ananda

see more….

see more Kirtan with Jaya Lakshmi and Ananda …..

Sex Addiction

From Anonymous Sex Into the Right Body  

Huffpost On Sex Addiction

 

Eventually I landed in the hospital with a “fever of unknown origin” (FUO, the doctors called it), which lingered over 105 degrees for a week and kept me shivering under an electric cold blanket, hallucinating all the while. The following week I was right back at it, having anonymous sex as soon as I was discharged — until, sure enough, I returned to the hospital with another FUO. This time I was worried, and alone: my boss from the theater where I had started working straight out of college didn’t come to visit, as she had the first time. I was trying people’s patience; things could only get worse.

 

And then what movie aired on TV as I lay in my hospital bed but Philadelphia, in which Tom Hanks plays a lawyer who’s fired for being gay and ultimately dies of AIDS.

 

“Okay, God,” I said. “I’ll stop.”

 

But of course I didn’t. I am an addict.

 

I acted out for ever more potent highs with, paradoxically, ever more debasing behavior, so that demoralization imbued whatever self-worth I had left, until I saw myself as deserving nothing more. I began to believe what I believed other people believed about me.

 

*

 

Years and years into the cycle, reprieve would come at last in the form of recovery meetings. I needed to show up in the rooms to stay abstinent, not from sex altogether, but rather from the addictive behaviors that made my life unmanageable: phone sex, cybersex and pornography, in addition to the anonymous sex — all forms of sexual activity which were, for me, attempts to rub out the unease of being in the wrong body through forms of self-effacement.

 

The root of the problem was that I did not want to be in a male body; I never had. Anonymous sex provided an avenue for assuming the role in which I was comfortable, while covering up the longings I felt inside, if only for as long as I acted out. Since the sex was over before it began, and I never knew my partners, the underbelly of my gender dissipated upon expression. Thus I sought to suppress myself under the illusion of control.

 

But denial only exacerbated the discrepancy between my reality and my potential. The mirror of life followed me everywhere, and the shame in which addiction coated me obscured the reflections I saw.

 

Impulsion distorted any sense of self-worth, which worsened the disgrace of being unable to control my addiction. After engaging in behavior that I’d promised last time I would never do again, here I was doing the same thing once more — again, and again, and again and again — and again.

 

I ventured further into the abyss each time I acted out. Yesterday’s rush fell short of what I needed today — riskier danger, steeper precipices and more, always more. There was never enough of anything because my addiction craved annihilation above all else. Every letdown fanned the flames of the hell that life became when I acted out.

 

And yet I sought even more.

 

I wanted to stop. I promised myself I would stop.

 

I could not stop. read more…

A.A. THE CURE FOR ADDICTIONS

THE BIG BOOK (on pg 85 and more) CLEARLY STATES THAT THE PROBLEM OF ALCOHOLISM “WILL BE REMOVED IT WILL NOT EXIST FOR US ANYMORE:  

That is provided we do a certain amount of spiritual maintenance.  I suppose technically it is a cure that requires maintenance and action.  “Cured” does not mean we can drink normally, it means now we have no desire to drink and we do not consider alcohol a solution to anything.

So why is it that people in AA so often have the attitude that they are chronically ill and will never be “recovered”.  The only CHRONIC part of this disease that cannot be healed is the allergy.  We will always get a different reaction from alcohol than normal people get.

But the real reason for the apprehension to say “cured” is that most of us have relapsed so many times before we reached AA that we feel it is a disease that we are powerless over.  And just after the paragraph where Bill W. writes “the problem has been removed it does not exist for us” he also writes “We are not cured of alcoholism.  What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.”

So What about this “Never Recovered” attitude?

Personally being a recovered addict/alcoholic I think it’s a negative fail-safe constructed by the addicts reasoning like..waiting for the other shoe to drop.  If we don’t accept that we are “well” then we won’t relapse because we are always working toward getting better.  Therefore hypothetically we never “rest on our laurels because we never get well enough to lighten up.  I guess the theory has it’s advantages.  This attitude is clearly akin to the fear of success and sprouts from the low self-worth that repeated relapse ingrains.  BUT NOW we rely on the program NOW we rely on God.  THE PROGRAM WORKS!  So as long as we work our program and rely on God we are good.  ANYBODY can grow into a complete and miraculous recovery if they learn the program and work on core issues.  You gotta feel to heal.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

BIG BOOK QUOTES:

We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part.  It just comes!  That is the miracle of it.  We are not fight it, neither are we avoiding temptation.  We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality–safe and protected.   We have not even sworn off.  Instead, the problem has been removed.  It does not exist for us.  We are neither cocky nor are we afraid.  That is our experience.  That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

Title Page: “ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. The Story of How Many Thousands of Men and Women Have Recovered from Alcoholism” (I totally agree with him on this one we absolutely do recover, at least I have.)

 

Page 20, paragraph 2: “Doubtless you are curious to discover how and why, in face of expert opinion to the contrary, we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body.  (here, here!)

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

SPIRITUALLY FIT

Ok then what is a “fit spiritual condition” and how do we attain it? The Program is simple not complicated, simple but not easy.   “Fit spiritual condition” does not mean I am happy all the time or my life is perfect.  I am a human with human emotions.  I did not come to AA to learn how to further repress my emotions, put on a mask of happy joyous and free, and walk around saying “life is good” every three seconds.  NO THAT IS TOTAL BULLSHIT!  Life is not good all the time and just because I am sober it doesn’t mean that it’s a good day.

If people die or get sick it sucks.  If I break my toe it sucks.  If my lover has an affair IT HURTS!  Crying is a healthy emotion to relieve emotional pain.  Tears are a sign that my emotions are balanced and I allow myself to feel what my heart is saying.  Fit spiritual condition means that I have an on-going relationship with my Higher Power and I have learned to rely on Him/Her/It.  It also means that I have worked on my core issues and learned what to do with my intense emotions when they do surface.  It means that I have worked the 12 steps and know how to implement them when I need to.  I know how to revisit step three and remember God has my back.  I know how to do a step four and five when I get a resentment.  I know how to make amends if I hurt someone.  I recognize when I am slipping into complacency or insanity so I formally work all 12 steps again.  I take time to connect with nature and I get peace from that.  I eat right and show others the respect that I desire.  The wreckage of the past must be processed I must not hold on to the worst offences.  No secrets.  We are as sick as the secrets we keep.

THE CURE

The three things that cure addiction are this= 1. therapy, working on the core issues that made me want to numb myself in the first place, 2. The 12 Steps combined with the fellowship and service work, learning and recognizing my dysfunctional patterns so I can guard against them in the now, furthermore the steps teach me humility, honesty, and more  3. spirituality= a relationship with my Higher Power to RELY on God and soak up God’s strength and Love.

Leaving out any aspect of this healing recovery recipe could result in a return to addiction, dry drunk-ism, possible eventual suicide or hurting others.

Robert Downey Jr. Speaks About His Addictions

 

Robert Downey Jr. Speaks About His Addictions in and interview by Vanity Fair

Scroll:

to see video of Robert Downey Jr. at home by the pool talking about addiction and recovery.

For some folks it’s just a function of age,” Robert Downey Jr. tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Rich Cohen, on the topic of beating one’s demons. “It’s perfectly normal for people to be obsessive about something for a period of time, and then leave it alone.” When asked about the incident in 1996 in which Downey’s neighbors came home to find the actor passed out in their 11-year-old son’s bed, he tells Cohen this was “an uncommon occurrence for me. Happened to be a very public one. I was not a guy who blacked out.”  

TREATMENT CENTER AND STATE PRISON

Talking about his time at the California Substance Abuse Treatment Facility and State Prison and the process of returning to his old life, Downey says, “Job one is get out of that cave. A lot of people do get out but don’t change. So the thing is to get out and recognize the significance of that aggressive denial of your fate, come through the crucible forged into a stronger metal. Or whatever. But I don’t even know if that was my experience. It’s funny: five years ago, I would’ve made it sound like I’m conscious of my own participation in seizing the similarities. But so many things have become less certain. I swear to God. I am not my story.” see video and read more…

 

James Taylor ‘A big part of my story is recovery from addiction’

James Taylor: ‘A big part of my story is recovery from addiction’ By Paul Sexton

At the age of 67, James Taylor has made his 16th album, his first in 13 years. After spending his early career addicted to heroin, he’s surprised he made it this far In the center of Florence, a short walk from the Ponte Vecchio, a rangy, bespectacled figure in a baseball cap clutches a cup of coffee and slips back into his hotel unrecognized. He is perhaps the definitive singer-songwriter of his generation, he has come to represent everything noble and dignified about American artistry, and he is preparing to tell me how he is amazed to be alive.

At 67, James Taylor has an air of low-key statesmanship that most senior politicians can only aspire to. A lifelong Democrat (‘I inherit my politics from my father, and my aesthetic, probably, from my mum’), he has sung for presidents, calls Bill and Barack by their first names, and is vehemently backing Hillary Clinton’s bid for the White House.  See Video at this link.
read more….

Oprah Winfrey Show About: “Normies Need to Work the 12 Steps”

AMAZING! Oprah recently did a show about “Why anyone can benefit from the 12 Steps”

Click here to see OPRAH SHOW  and see video show.

oprah3

So many times, I have heard people in meetings say that “the normies need to work the steps!” or something like “my mom needs to work the steps even though she isn’t an addict”.   This concept is absolutely true and anyone can benefit from working the steps.

WHY?  Simple; spirituality is for everyone. Finding and nurturing a relationship with a Higher Power is the natural thing for any human to do because we all are facing sure-death.   We will all die, one way or another.   Addiction is not the only thing that threatens the existence of humanity.   Aging and disease happen all the time and the only one who can get us out of death is a Higher Power.   I will not prattle on…check out this awesome episode of Opera yourself.

    __________________________________________________

Legendary songwriter Paul Williams, who is a recovering addict, and screenwriter Tracey Jackson, who has not battled drug or alcohol addiction, say in their new book, Gratitude and Trust, that everyone can benefit from the steps found in recovery programs. “We’re all addicted to something,” Tracey says. “We’re all stuck somewhere in patterns.”

Tracey says the principles in recovery programs are lessons we can all learn. “Everyone should just take one round of recovery to learn rigorous honesty, to learn how to say I’m sorry, to learn how to own their faults. And I think that we all have things.”

Miracle’s Do Happen

Recovery Farmhouse wants to thank “Miss Anonymous” for this miraculous story

GET PAID FOR YOUR RECOVERY STORY

MIRACLE’S DO HAPPEN By Stacy Roach

My drinking problem started at 12 years old, drinking myself to sleep every
single night just to deal with (or not deal with) what my cousin was
doing to me every night after my parents went to bed. My mom found a
whole garbage bag full of empty Jägermeister bottles from where I was
drinking a whole bottle every night. My mom tried getting me help after
that for my alcoholism but I was nowhere near ready to receive that help.
My addiction flourished to popping pills and self-harming and still
drinking. When all of that stopped numbing me the way, I needed it to, I
started smoking meth. For a while, I smoked it socially (every weekend and
sometimes during the week). However, my addiction made it very clear
that socially was not enough… By 17 years old, I was a full-blown meth
addict. I met my first husband when I was high on meth and on a run for
more and he happened to be the dope man. Nine solid years of pure hell
started from that night on… Meth was my best friend and every time we
were even close to running out of her, we had to go chase her down for
more. My ex-husband made it as well so the search was never but a cook
away. When he went to prison, I was still on meth but needing something
more to numb me from the pain I felt from missing my husband so bad. I
was introduced to crack cocaine and was instantly hooked. Spent every
penny I had then whatever I could steal to get it. I was brutally raped
and beaten by the crack dealer in his trap house one night and my mom
found me the next morning walking, eye swollen shut and eyes lifeless
with tear stained cheeks. I didn’t want to live anymore. The cops treated
me like the criminal because I was a crackhead at a crack house and they conveniently lost my rape kit to prosecute my rapist. He walked free. I
never smoked crack again after that but my addiction spun more out of
control than ever after that… Abusing so much benzos, I lost many days,
not remembering much of anything. Just the way I wanted it. I didn’t want
to remember. I just wanted to forget. Every time I spoke to my husband on
the phone and every visit I came home from, I was balling like a baby. He
was so verbally abusive and mean to me. He blamed me for the rape. Mom
stayed up with me countless nights from the torture I was in mentally
from the rape and feeling like my husband hated me. It was all my fault.
When he got out of prison, on my birthday weekend we went to my sister
and her then boyfriends house and got drunk and high. I went in the guest
bedroom we once stayed in and passed out. I woke up to being punched in
the back of the head and him screaming at me and tearing my underwear
off. He beat me so bad that night and anally raped me. Telling me how
much I deserved it for letting the crack dealer f*ck me… What little
bit of soul I did have left, he murdered that night. My own husband raped
and beat me unconscious. I screamed and begged for help, nobody came to
my rescue… No one. I started shooting meth very soon after that. I was
also shooting and popping large quantities of opiates with it. Everyday,
we stayed on the road wheeling, dealing, and finding our next fix. The
beatings from my husband became a normal part of everyday life and
honestly, I didn’t care anymore. Just get me my next dose so I can block
it out. When I got pregnant with my oldest daughter, I was excited and
full of life for the first time in several years. I felt like I was
getting a fresh start to do things right and would finally have someone
who loved me unconditionally… I couldn’t even succeed at that. My
husband beat me throughout my pregnancy, cheated constantly and although I didn’t do meth during my pregnancy, I okayed it by taking opiates my doctor was prescribing me and I smoked weed. When she was born, she was the most beautiful little girl I had ever laid eyes on.

When I looked at her,
everything else faded. The pain, the shame, the guilt, the fear,
everything… In that moment, all I felt was love. God I loved her so
much and wanted to protect her so bad… But, I was a junkie. I loved her
as much as I was able to love her. I protected her as much as my
addiction allowed me to. She seen him beat me and choke me unconscious
so many times. She never should have seen that. She seen me high.
God, what have I done? In my addicted mind, I just used even more to
cover the guilt and shame I had. I got pregnant again… I was heavily
addicted to Spice. I did not use anything but Spice during my pregnancy
with her but I used so much of it daily. My ex-husband cheated on me with
someone very close to me during the last part of my pregnancy. When I found out, it tore me to pieces. I smoked even more Spice. I was so selfish…
When my baby was born, she cried so much. My husband swore she wasn’t his (she looks just like him) and he would scream at me and beat me when she wouldn’t quit crying, sometimes while she was still in my arms. I held
her pretty much 24/7 and the crying never stopped. It was my fault… I
used more. My parents got custody of my girls, rightfully so. They could
provide and do for them what I was nowhere near able to do at the time. I
was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Tired of being a junkie.
Tired of him beating me. Tired of being a worthless mother. Tired of it
all… In 2013, my husband beat, raped and poisoned me. I was transported
to the best hospital in Alabama, UAB, and one of the best surgeons in the
world spent countless hours trying to keep me alive. I had to have
several blood transfusions from bleeding to death, my kidneys and
intestines had shut down and the doctors only gave me a 20% chance to
live. The odds were against me. This was it. He finally succeeded in
killing me… God wasn’t done with me yet, though. Eight weeks later,
after a very long painful fight to live, I got to go home. I had 30
something staples in my stomach and a feeding tube hanging out of my arm
to go home with… My poor mom had to get up at three and 4am every single morning to change out my feeding bag and when the home health nurses wasn’t there to nurse my wounds, my mom was doing it and bathing me. She helped save my life. The addict in me was still raging though… I ended
up going back to the very man who tried killing me. The beatings
continued and shooting dope was still my daily life. This was the
insanity of addiction… Repeating the same thing over and over expecting
different results every time. Different results never came. I finally
left my ex-husband for good, There is a protection order in place and I have been tempted but have not gone back. I still had not gotten clean YET. I would go on binges of shooting massive amounts of dope to popping opiates and benzos every day. When I was not shooting dope, I would rationalize my pill popping and drinking by telling myself it was better than shooting dope.

I had several overdoses, several detoxes also mental hospitals later and losing my family and homes. I was so miserable. Drinking enough to kill a horse from the time, I woke up until I passed out at night, popping tons of pills, smoking lots of weed and when able, still shooting up dope. I had lost my family. I had lost every home I ever had. I owned nothing anymore but a few cloths and pictures of my kids. Everything else I had sold or pawned for more drugs.
I had lost every decent relationship I had. I was completely alone in my disease.
Even when others were around me, I was still so alone. I was intoxicated
one evening and a friend of mine, who I call my guardian angel, made it
clear I needed help NOW… At the rate I was going, I would not have lived
another two weeks. I would wake up every single morning and cry, cursing
God for waking me up another day. Why wasn’t I dead?! This wonderful
friend (who I’ve never even met) called and got me into a halfway house
in Delray Beach, FL, the recovery capital of the world. I was on a plane
early the next morning and there was no looking back…

I knew I HAD to have a change. I could not keep going as I was. I did not want to keep going as I was. I stayed at the halfway a few days and the house manager got me a scholarship to one of the best rehabs in America called Palm Partners. I stayed there 40 days and that broken down girl that
walked in there was leaving a happy, healthy, strong woman ready to face
the world. I had some rough patches in the beginning but when I fully
surrendered and let God lead the way, change started happening. I soaked
in every single thing they taught me at rehab and brought back with me
some very valuable life lessons… Rehab was the best thing that is ever
happened to me in my life. I’ve had a complete physical, mental and
spiritual makeover. I am not the same woman I was several months ago.

For the first time in my life, my mom is proud of me. I have my relationship
back with my parents and my children. I have happiness in my heart
instead of hate. I am at peace now. Has it been a walk in the park? No,
some days have been hard. I lost a dear friend of mine that I was
in rehab with to this sickening insidious deadly disease within my first
week out of rehab. That was so hard! Nevertheless, God brought me through it.

All I have to do is get through 24 hours without using and each day that I do
that, I have succeeded in my goal. I get to my meetings and I do my step
work and I firmly believe in giving back to a program that’s given so
freely to me. I can honestly say my worst day sober has still been better
than my best day using. I may have been a sick girl before but today, I am
a healthy woman in recovery. Today, I am clean. Today, I am happy, joyous and free. Nobody ever said this journey would be easy but it’s so worth
it.
ANONYMOUS

GET PAID TO TELL YOUR RECOVERY STORY

TELL YOUR STORY e-mail it to (subject) “My Story” info@recoveryfarmhouse.com  ‘attention Lori E’  

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SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE

Fees for your story could be as much as $100 per page depending on where we publish your recovery story.  If it is published it will be on either one of several websites or in our recent book.

Your recovery story and the way you tell it may be exactly what others need to hear so they too can recover and start a new life.

We are searching for stories of people who have overcome not only alcohol addiction but also crack, opiates, opioids, methamphetamine,  and other oppressive drugs.  Please fill out the following information and we will get back to you as soon as possible  We will be publishing many stories on various websites and possibly in our new text book.  There will be fees paid to all published stories.  I will e-mail you back with information about publishing and payments when I receive your email.

 

It’s None of My Business What People Think of Me?

From the time we snuggle close to our mothers breast as new-born infants till the day we lye on our death-bed we crave care and Love.   Perhaps we are praying we won’t die alone.   It is a natural and good thing to care that our friends, lovers, and  family do love us enough to be near.  Even to our neighbors who we don’t really know we hope to look good.  We dress well, and buy nice things to make us look good.   Its natural to the human condition to want to be admired.  Socially humans are built to care about their reputations and what others think of them.

It isn’t weak or demeaning to want to be loved.  On the contrary it is a natural desire to want to be desired and cared about. A “good reputation” is a valuable component of our self-esteem.

Caring what people think of us is an important human societal trait.   Social structural norms like working toward a good reputation can change the coarse of a life for the good.    To put a healthy value on what people think of us can highly impact our goals, careers, accomplishments, and the way we treat other people.  We should treat others the way we want to be treated , this ties in closely to the desire to be liked and respected.

It is when this desire runs rampant to the point of fear and obsession it isn’t good.  Fear of what people think of us moves us into unhealthy behaviors.  We don’t need to swing to a polar opposite in a struggle to overcome the fear of what people think of us by pretending we don’t care at all or by saying  “it’s none of my business what people think of me”.  Which if you don’t go to AA you probably don’t know this statement is said allot around the rooms.  It’s a coy verbal act to overcome fear.  Even the phrase “It’s none of your business” is crass and disrespectful and typically used abruptly as an angry response.  That is not the tone I want to use toward anyone.   Saying ‘I don’t care what anyone thinks of me’ supplies a false sense of superiority.

If I truly didn’t care what anyone thought of me  I may be more prone to irresponsible actions with no value of what people would say or think, no social consequences per say.  Best I keep my natural desires to please others.  Who doesn’t like to hear the words ‘I love and care for you’?  Sociopaths, folks that thrive on hate and narcissists.

SOBRIETY-damned if I do and damned if I don’t

How to get clean and sober, emotional sobriety, recovery and emotional healing.

 

Click here to read continue from Facebook

Hi I am Lori I am a recovered alcoholic crack head, heroin addict. Before I came to AA I learned how NOT to cry. I was in abusive relationships and cried so many times I swore I wouldn’t allow my verbally abusive x husband to make me shed another tear. Unfortunately I turned those tears into anger and then wrath. I nearly killed my x husband at one point. When I came to AA and group therapy it was by cop car from a 60 day vacation in Levy County jail. I watched many women shed many tears in my new woman’s therapy group. They were able to let their feelings flow out with their tears. They were finally talking about things that hurt them and what they were ashamed of. After the first group session I attended I looked at my counselor and said “I don’t belong in this group, I don’t have any pain.” I was a tough girl a survivor I had to be to survive on the streets. read more…

 


But that tough girl persona wasn’t going to help me now.  If anything it would have made it impossible for me to recover unless I abandoned it and allowed people to know what I was feeling inside.  I had to be honest about what I was feeling and what I had done or I might as well pick up my stem and concede to self destruction.

When I got sober I felt like I had a crushing heavy pain filled bowling ball sitting in my chest.  I felt as if I were a cracked vase that would shatter to pieces at any moment .  I felt an impending doom that encompassed me preventing me from feeling joy, happiness and peace.  But even with all these feelings I was terrified of going back to the crack traps and jail. I had just detoxed off Methadone, crack, Xanex, cigarettes, caffeine, and alcohol.   I  had the worst insomnia so it was like living in hell 24/7 .  My anxiety was sky high.  IT SEEMED LIKE SOBRIETY- damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

Each day I got out of bed I chose sobriety and just prayed it would get better and it did.  I had been arrested on Good Friday of 2006.  Nearly ten years ago …I sometimes take for granted things like peace of mind and freedom.  I forget how miserable I was and how much God has done for me.  That’s why I write and why I go to AA groups and share.

In a nutshell this is how I got and stay sober for nearly ten years, but more importantly this is how I prevent my own misery, anxiety, and depression:  By working the 12 steps enough times for it to become a way of life (once a year for 7 years).  By doing the valid suggestions of AA and rehab.  Taking meetings to jails and institutions.  Telling my story, what is was like, what happened, and what it is like now, Having fun doing AA functions.  Getting close to nature outdoors, the beach, parks, springs, woods, etc.  Extensive meditation and prayer.  Church.  A year of group recovery therapy which taught me how to let out and process intense emotions so they don’t turn to bitterness.  Eating right and exercise.

 

The Fear List

The “FEAR LIST”  is in the Big Book in Step Four pg.67-68  If you are happy, joyous, and free don’t read any further this article is not for you.  “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

If we expect more out of the program of AA than just sobriety we will have to go deeper into our fourth step.  The fourth step in depth can cure anxiety, depression, resentment, co-dependency and fear.  Best to begin step work with a prayer for guidance and revelation.


If the pop up window doesn’t work in your browser click here for full page link.  Big Book fear list

The fear list is an important part of on-going maintenance in recovery.  The fear list is in Step Four of the big book.       Some people teach we only do step four once.   And few sponsors teach sponcees to write down fears not associated with a resentment.  For me step ten wasn’t enough until I formally worked the 12 steps at least 5 times and learned how to use a fear list.  When resentment, depression or anxiety pops up and won’t go away no matter how much service I do  I do a mini fourth step coupled with a fear-list inventory.  The purpose of the mini fourth is to hone out what my core feelings of self-image are which triggered the fear or resentment.  Once I get to the core fear/feelings I ask God to remove them it works like magic.  

Surface fears are associated with sex, security, and society.  Meaning fear of losing a girlfriend/boyfriend, not having a roof over my head or money or losing my reputation among my friends and fellow AAers.  

Root causes and feelings go even deeper than that, they are the ones that most often we WILL NOT ADMIT MUCH LESS ADMIT TO OTHERS.  Core issues that drive fears are anchored in inferiority, unworthy feelings and low self image and are usually a little illogical, often we dismiss them by intellect.  

But the heart does not have to be logical.   Our heart needs to be heard or at least acknowledged.  It’s quite natural for an addict to feel inferior, unworthy, bad, wrong, ugly, gross, pitiful at the core of our being. Not just addicts, it is often the human condition.   It’s not our fault, we were  taught who we are at a young age it sticks in our heart until it can be released by a fear list or confession.   If  a shameful human condition weren’t common the world would not be in chaos and disarray.  When we feel high self-worth and are trusting God we are not prone to fear, anxiety, anger and depression.  Emotional balance depends on a healthy self-identity.  

SOLUTION:   First do the regular step four and five.  Then GET TO THE CORE FEELINGS ATTACHED TO THE FEARS on your list AND ASK GOD TO REMOVE THEM all.  Apologize to our Higher Power for our lack of trust and ask for help with that.   Confess to someone the way we feel no matter how illogical or even un-true those feelings are, they come from a valid place, our heart which is only guilty of believing what it was taught.

Disclaimer:  This does not apply to everyone.  This is mainly for those of us who were traumatized, neglected, and abused when we were children or young adults.