Addicts should look at and process both wrongs done and wrongs suffered to fully recover. When we enter the realm of understanding our inner child and our subconscious ideals that is when addiction is no longer baffling to us. If we keep an open mind and get a good therapist along with a 12 step program we will figure out why we were in so much emotional pain for so long. We should learn emotional tools that we use to process that pain, and really get to know who we are and love and forgive ourselves.
The first 2/3 of my life sucked. If someone would have told me I was in purgatory I would have believed it easily even though I didn’t believe in purgatory at the time. Until I had a certain dream that I believe really happened.
The whole story and dream are at this link.
When I overdosed on Cocaine and died I remember where I went, what it felt like, and that I was trapped in a bad place. I had stopped breathing and chances are my heart had also stopped. My friend gave me CPR. Coming back out of THE PANGS OF DEATH was like clawing my way out of hell as my friend blew breath into my lungs and revived me.
12 step programs work if you work hard and want a new life.
Without the recovery processes for emotion-health that I learned in A.A. and group therapy as tools I doubt I would be as content or sober as I am today. I needed more than AA to get better. I needed to learn processes for my feelings and to stop HOLDING EVERYTHING IN BECAUSE OF SHAME AND FEAR OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK.
Without my Higher Power’s help my recovery would not have all come together like a beautiful tapestry to deliver me from the Hell I had created by fear & shame.
Know this, I was not only indoctrinated into self induced Hell I was also not given the chance at emotional health prior to my addiction. I was doing all I knew how to do to find relief. But my contrived solutions became VERY toxic.
I do not have the right to condemn myself nor do you. That is not our call. Nor does self condemnation produce healing or sobriety. In AA we don’t look at ur faults to condemn us. But rather to recognize our toxic patterns of behavior so we can avoid them.
Back in the day punishing myself was a way of life even though I had no idea that was what I was doing.
Don’t worry…most people don’t recognize the self punishment in their destructive behavior until they have really delved deep into their heart and past.
Write an autobiography to start the process of self awareness.
Anyone who creates their own hell is engaging in self punishment weather they know it yet or not.
When your indoctrinated into the “good bad, paradigm of punishment, and reward” the common social system in the U.S., well, your brainwashed into thinking that punishment makes things all better. And that when you are punished your somehow washed clean and can face the world again without shame. It’s it’s engraved in our psyche’s subliminally, subconsciously, and its sick as hell but what’s worse is it’s a lie.
In real recovery we WAKE UP and get to know our patterns. I NOW know better than to blame myself, I was born into that sick paradigm. It’s all around us. But few can see it.
This doesn’t mean we don’t need to clean our wreckage of the past. But it does mean that if I did not take a look at wrongs done TO ME and work on those just as much if not more than wrongs committed BY ME, my recovery would only have been 50%. THAT’S RIGHT, 50%.
Bill W. WAS WAY TOO HARD ON HIMSELF PLUS he search years trying to get better even after the A.A. 12 step work he did.
LISTEN HERE; Did not Bill Wilson initially get sober by a white light spiritual experience? So he got something that many people never get much less understand. We cannot truly understand the full realm of recovery if we do not include God, Emotional processing, and 12 Step Work. We need the same white light experiences that Bill W. got. Also we need what he lacked…self empathy and a way to process our feelings. 12 step work is only 2/3 of the recovery process. And that’s IF you actually take step eleven seriously and continue in years of prayer and meditation.
If all you do is take two seconds in a day to get to know your higher power…well what kind of a relationship do you expect to glean from such a short application of your time and energy toward the most important relationship you will EVER have?
Most children don’t recognize the lack of emotional nurturing and the verbal negativity that they endure at the hands of adults. Few people in recovery unless blatantly abused, ever realize the wrongs they suffered during youth. We protect the pack with eyes wide shut and pin our sickness on a thin rational called “disease” so we don’t have to look at the true causes and conditions of who and what made us so fucking emotionally twisted and sick.
It’s all there, once your courageous enough to really look at it. Most addicts believe deep within their heart that they themselves are bad otherwise they wouldn’t be in defense mode 24/7. Otherwise they would not punish themselves. Otherwise they wouldn’t get angry when reading these truths.
Children are not born hating themselves, NO, they are taught by a very evil and diabolical system called “THE BEAST”. THE BEAST SYSTEM IS ALL AROUND US. You think this is crazy? You think our school curriculum’s induction into low self worth is by accident? Children are taught to hate who they are by teachers, by TV, by their parents (who are also indoctrinated) and lastly by our peers.
We are reared to demoralize one another in an effort to feel “good” about ourselves and to feel like we matter. The best system has taught us to do their work (against us) for them. There’s more to it on a spiritual level as well that I can’t get into on this post. There is a shame that is in addicts at a cellular level. We must make peace with out creator, our Earth, as well as with ourselves. Signed___ Eyes wide open.