Alcoholics Anonymous Self-Loathing

My Experience and Opinions for reasons people become addicts do not negate the need to do 12 step work, get a sponsor, and make amends etc to recover..

There is a valid reason you do not want to feel

If you ended up in the psych ward due to some antics you engaged in because of addiction or alcoholism then it’s time.   Are you done?  There is a reason that you feel better when your numb.  There is a reason that you are uncomfortable in your own skin.  As a matter of fact…since I have been sober over 14 years this time I have learned exactly the precise and many varied reasons I was uncomfortable and down right ashamed in my own skin.

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The Story of an Addict Who Recovered

Every addict has one thing in common, self punishment.  Until we figure out and heal from whatever it is we feel we must punish ourselves for our addiction will remain a mystery.  Clearly those who punish themselves must in some subconscious way feel they can beat themselves to a point of rendering their identity clean and clear from self loathing once again.

However, that is a sick attempts at getting well.  It’s an attempt which is seldom realized by the punisher.  And while we are in this state we also project our punishing onto those around us, often those we love most.

In The Beginning

My answer to the question “what was I numbing when I was using drugs and alcohol addictively?”
I had to numb my fear, shame, and intense feeling of inferiority.
For me, at a young age I was taught (in so many words and lessons)
that the whole world of people were all superior to me in every way. And that everything about me was wrong both inside and out. Therefore, I had to hide my
identity so no one would see how bad and wrong I was. Of course I had no idea of this at the time.
It took years of work to understand the emotional inner workings of my subconscious.

And so with this starke, devastating truth of who and what I was (inferior) I had to shut down and transform into someone else.
I (my true heart) became a prisoner in my own
mind always living/acting as status quos dictated, trying to be someone else. I was sold a bill
of goods and commenced to live up to what I was sold.

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Faith and The Offering

Third Step Prayer short version

God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and The way of life.  May I do Thy will always!

https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/12-step-prayers/

My Offering To God

I was telling my sponsee and friend about a meditation I do.  Once I have settled into my meditative state after saying a few mantras such as the Lords Prayer.   Then I pray a step eleven request that I be given the knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry that out.  I close my eyes.  I put some of the heavenly crystals on my chakras, throat, forehead, abdomen.  Then I envision dancing before The Lord, my Higher Power.  The dance I do is an offering unto God.  It is an act of showing my Higher power reverence, tribute, veneration, High regard, and it is a testimonial of my honor toward God.  I wear a long white dress with a sash.  The color of the dress is relevant to my mood and color is symbolic in a spiritual way.

Last time I did this meditation I was given a gift.  I didn’t expect it.  What I got was a deep realization of my creator and His care of me.  I was zapped by God’s Spirit and then I laughed at myself.  God took the time, care and Love to create me.  He will not discard me like a piece of garbage.    I fear sometimes for the future.  What will become of me I worry to myself.  Will I get Alzheimer’s?   Will I be able to walk and get around at the age of eighty?  What will my death be like?  Will I suffer?  Will I even have a roof over my head?  And what about my daughter and loved ones?  I also worry for them.  Well God gave me an epiphany of His Love and care for me.  He let me know that He is not going to feed me to the wolves.  The realization went deep into my heart into a locked door which no human could have ever opened.  It was an empty room of my heart that only the creator of me could fill.  But if I don’t take the time to move near to God.  God if left out of my life in ways that only I can choose. God is a gentlemen as they say and He will not overstep the boundaries of my free-will.

When I rely on God my needs and unhealthy reliance on mankind fads to nothing.  My faith was increased that day.  My fears were quelled.  I trust my Higher Power a little more than ever before.

 

WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

ACCEPTANCE IS A PROCESS NOT A LIGHT SWITCH

I WAS VERY SICK FOR A LONG TIME

When I got sober after 30 years of drinking, drugging, and sick relationships I was scared to death.  My self-esteem was zero.  I was afraid to make a choice about pretty much anything for fear it would be wrong.  I didn’t trust myself or my choices and hadn’t for a long time, that is unless I was in control-ism mode.  But once I sobered up certain behaviors stopped immediately other habits took some time to develop.

SOBER DREAMS DO COME TRUE

I met a nice guy in AA.  He had seven years sober.  I like him so much but I was scared to death.  That did not stop me from building a relationship.    Well the thing is I was also going through group therapy at the time.  All three of my

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Oprah The Magic of Gratitude

Please click the picture to see the precious video.
Gratitude Louis Schwartzberg

Oprah sits down with award-winning filmmaker Louie Schwartzberg to discuss his time-lapse nature photography and the inherent spirituality revealed through nature. Louie, whose TED talk on gratitude has been viewed more than 6 million times, captures breathtaking images on film that are often unseen by the naked eye and that celebrate the gift of life.

As Oprah and Louie view some of his most magnificent work, they discuss how nature can act as one of our greatest spiritual teachers. A firm believer that beauty is nature’s tool for survival, Louie also shares how the awe of seeing nature can make one more present and mindful and can help us connect to our inner voice. By allowing viewers to see that which can’t be seen, Louie hopes to cultivate gratitude and an awareness that nature is a reflection of the human experience.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/own-super-soul-sunday/Oprah-and-Louie-Schwartzberg-The-World-Beyond-What-We-Can-See#ixzz42FYkPj00