The Story of an Addict Who Recovered

Every addict has one thing in common, self punishment.  Until we figure out and heal from whatever it is we feel we must punish ourselves for our addiction will remain a mystery.  Clearly those who punish themselves must in some subconscious way feel they can beat themselves to a point of rendering their identity clean and clear from self loathing once again.

However, that is a sick attempts at getting well.  It’s an attempt which is seldom realized by the punisher.  And while we are in this state we also project our punishing onto those around us, often those we love most.

In The Beginning

My answer to the question “what was I numbing when I was using drugs and alcohol addictively?”
I had to numb my fear, shame, and intense feeling of inferiority.
For me, at a young age I was taught (in so many words and lessons)
that the whole world of people were all superior to me in every way. And that everything about me was wrong both inside and out. Therefore, I had to hide my
identity so no one would see how bad and wrong I was. Of course I had no idea of this at the time.
It took years of work to understand the emotional inner workings of my subconscious.

And so with this starke, devastating truth of who and what I was (inferior) I had to shut down and transform into someone else.
I (my true heart) became a prisoner in my own
mind always living/acting as status quos dictated, trying to be someone else. I was sold a bill
of goods and commenced to live up to what I was sold.

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Organic Marijuana and Spirituality

Organic High Grade Marijuana and Spirituality

What’s the Link? (article written by Brenda Lane) Pertaining to addiction recovery.

The prospect of a spiritual tool like pot to help enable a spiritual experience of awakening isn’t something we should do often.  It’s kindred to going into the mountains, taking peyote, and facing your demons.  If your used to high grade pot it will not work.  If you smoke pot recreationally it will not work because your too used to it.

First Protection

I don’t advise meditation without the covering of Jesus. Furthermore I don’t even advise smoking pot without the covering of Jesus.   I meditate in Christ covered by His sacred blood that He shed on the Cross, and by His Spirit.  Why?  I would not feel safe seeking the spirit realm without spiritual protection.  It’s not wise at all.

2. But isn’t meditation evil according to Christians?

“And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming.”

Yes Christians on the most part think meditation and even the sacred crystals written of in the Bible are evil.  Satan has done his job well convincing us to only talk and never LISTEN to God.  Training your mind to listen to God is what meditation is about in my book.

Moreover how is getting quiet and seeking a closer relationship with God evil?  How is using the Lords prayer as a mantra and envisioning it word for word evil?  The reason to do this is to train our minds to think on one thought and not stray.  Once we have succeeded with this we can empty our minds.  Is that also evil?  And all this should be done (if you are a Christian) to seek Jesus, have self revelation of our fears, hurts, shame, and improve our godly walk.

How to meditate

If pot was or is your drug of choice, or if you see it as a chronic and addictive solution to fear and your emotional condition then pot meditation does not apply to you.  If you  believe addiction is about the substance rather than a person’s heart and mind then this article does not apply to you and won’t make sense.   Clearly there are people whom pot simply didn’t work for in their addiction.  These are the very people who can benefit most from an occasional organic high grade Marijuana meditation session.
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Father Knows Best…or does he?

Ladies,

False pride has been my most besetting character defect.  I like to think even today that I am absolutely recovered.  I like to think all my intense emotional trauma has been talked out, written through, cried and screamed out of my lungs and gone for good.  God knows I have worked on my sobriety by spiritual, emotional, and 12 step work at a very deep level. I have learned to take responsibility for the way I feel and to find the root and process it, rather than blame some silly event of person in today.

I have learned the difference between the three types of healing and malady “emotional, spiritual, and 12 step/character defect” recovery.   By receiving the solutions to each aspect of recovery separately and at different times my recovery has been educational and worth sharing.  I harp on the emotional recovery because it’s my most recent form of deliverance.  Emotional recovery involves processing feelings and events of the past.  It involves core issues and core healing.

But in the last two years I have realized by the anger I have felt and the

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Faith and The Offering

Third Step Prayer short version

God, I offer myself to Thee—to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.  Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.  Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and The way of life.  May I do Thy will always!

https://www.recoveryfarmhouse.com/12-step-prayers/

My Offering To God

I was telling my sponsee and friend about a meditation I do.  Once I have settled into my meditative state after saying a few mantras such as the Lords Prayer.   Then I pray a step eleven request that I be given the knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry that out.  I close my eyes.  I put some of the heavenly crystals on my chakras, throat, forehead, abdomen.  Then I envision dancing before The Lord, my Higher Power.  The dance I do is an offering unto God.  It is an act of showing my Higher power reverence, tribute, veneration, High regard, and it is a testimonial of my honor toward God.  I wear a long white dress with a sash.  The color of the dress is relevant to my mood and color is symbolic in a spiritual way.

Last time I did this meditation I was given a gift.  I didn’t expect it.  What I got was a deep realization of my creator and His care of me.  I was zapped by God’s Spirit and then I laughed at myself.  God took the time, care and Love to create me.  He will not discard me like a piece of garbage.    I fear sometimes for the future.  What will become of me I worry to myself.  Will I get Alzheimer’s?   Will I be able to walk and get around at the age of eighty?  What will my death be like?  Will I suffer?  Will I even have a roof over my head?  And what about my daughter and loved ones?  I also worry for them.  Well God gave me an epiphany of His Love and care for me.  He let me know that He is not going to feed me to the wolves.  The realization went deep into my heart into a locked door which no human could have ever opened.  It was an empty room of my heart that only the creator of me could fill.  But if I don’t take the time to move near to God.  God if left out of my life in ways that only I can choose. God is a gentlemen as they say and He will not overstep the boundaries of my free-will.

When I rely on God my needs and unhealthy reliance on mankind fads to nothing.  My faith was increased that day.  My fears were quelled.  I trust my Higher Power a little more than ever before.