DEMONIZING SOBER-SEX

Stop demonizing sober sex!

There is an unwritten rule in AA that is not without merit. “No sex for the first year sober” is the suggestion. Unwritten indeed. The rule teeters on a scale defined as either a beneficial and spiritual quest or controlling and insane demand depending on the context by which it is administered. Granted the “no sex” rule is not as well established as the “no relationships” for the first year rule. But admittedly they are similar, and sex can be huge distraction in early sobriety that leads directly to the cliff called “relationships”. After all a sexual relationship is still a relationship.

How can the rule of no sex for a year be potentially either spiritual or character defect both? It is a spiritual quest if we choose it to stay clear of distractions and deny the flesh to empower the spirit. And it is a decision I can change at any time preferably without being called an evil 13th stepper. If someone is demanding that I “stop all sex for a year” no questions asked and insisting I won’t stay sober if I have sex as a blanket rule for everyone…well then it’s insanity because there are a host of circumstances in life which could prove that newly sober sexual relationships can work. It depends on the person and the situation. Perhaps I enter the rooms married, or maybe I meet my soul mate in the rooms. Him with 13 years sober and me 13 days sober. We fall deeply in love and are still together many years later, in harmony. And yet the frigid and judgmental call it a 13th step. The most horrid of the AA offences, that is other than relapse.

Live by the golden rule and show others respect.

In the words of our great guru, king of the 12 steps, validator of the suffering addict, Bill W. himself. “We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct.” Well you sure as hell could of fooled me! If “we” means the people at meetings I have been to that is. Seems to me the rule forbidding sex in the first year of recovery supersedes many of the more important sobriety suggestions. And Bill W. continues: “We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.” He goes on to mention that “everyone has sex problems.” I am sure that’s true also for the majority of humans, eventually.

Are certain members of AA mimicking religious fanatics?

Yes ironically, since the word “religion” is by far the most evil word in the AA pirate dictionary.

And the interesting part about all this shame inducing sex talk? We hear a very similar message echoing from the pulpit of many churches. Even though the Bible itself doesn’t talk much about sex. But rather the Bible condemns the betrayal called adultery. The word “fornication” in my opinion implies ‘betrayal’ and some sort of hurtfulness not sex alone. Let consenting adults alone with their consensual sex. Why, with all the violence, torture, abuse, murders, maiming, and molestation happening does an act of sexual harmony rate being called sin? Only for the misguided, clearly only for the misguided. Common sense tells me that harmonious sex is no more a sin than eating food. Sex is right there in line with eat, sleep, drink water, have sex, have babies, and breath air. Granted I am not referring to sex abuse that my friend is another mater.

What is addiction in the arena of substance abuse? Addiction means un-manageability. That is the difference between using a drug to help us and abusing a drug to hurt us. But don’t think you escape un-manageability just because your sober. ha ha ha ha

Recovery is about what we do to recover not about what we are forbidden. (excluding alcohol and our drug of choice of course)

Recovery happens when we go to meetings and do the work regardless of whether we are having sex with a newcomer who by the way used to be a prostitute. The program works if we work it. If you have sex you still make your meetings. If you have sex with a newcomer you still make your meetings and if the newcomer doesn’t make his or her meetings, well that’s on them isn’t it?

We are adults, we make our own choices. Newcomers make their own choices. Some programs like to take away the power of choice, even imprison or restrain adults but Alcoholics Anonymous is not one of them and the literature proves it.

WEBSITE ARTICLES THAT ADVOCATE NO INTIMATE, SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS FOR THE FIRST YEAR

5 Signs Sex Is Undermining Your Recovery

The Addicts Prayer

Turn your recovery over by giving it to God through a more tried and true Higher Power than a door knob.

Pray this: God I realize we have not talked much, please, please reveal yourself to me that I may know you and understand what my relationship with you should be from here on out. Thank you for hearing my plea. I humble myself before you the Creator of The Heavens and earth. Amen Oh ya, P.S. Please let me know what your name truly is and that you do Love me as your child and blessed creation cursed as it has been. I fear if I don’t do something different I will end up back in the Hell that addiction has taken me. Please Help! Amen

If the above prayer makes you nauseous then you may not be a child of that God. It’s your choice to pray the following prayer instead.

HOW TO TRULY FIND AND CONNECT WITH YOUR OWN HIGHER POWER

“A God Of Your Understanding”

December 11, 2015

Is Resentment the Number One Offender?

What does it mean and who said it? “Resentment is the number one offender”

Bill Wilson co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous wrote the phrase “resentment is the number one offender” in the Big Book.

Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were “burned up.”

On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?

It means that if we hold onto resentments then we will relapse and resentment is the cause of our relapse. But really how true is that? Well at face value it appears that resentment toward others and anger is the cause of our relapse. It seems to be the most dominant emotion addicts have when going back out.

However, I am not so sure the resentment for others has taken the relaps-er back out. I rather think anger and blame in the form of resentment is the survival skill which helps us live with ourselves when we step back into a life we know will kill us. There is actually only one resentment that sends us back out if you look deeper into our hearts, which is a resentment toward self.

But what lies underneath our self loathing? Our self loathing is at the core of all our other resentments. Ask any addict in the midst of a relapse and he will most likely deny to you his self-hate. Addicts carry much shame and shame is at the core of our deception to self and others. Un-processed shame, and hurt are at the core of our addiction. These are the feelings stuck in our crawl. These are what carries us to the dope man.

Addicts suffer from emotional constipation and Shame is truly at the core of that stuck place. Shame is my #1 Offender Resentment springs from Shame to cover it up. SHAME SUCKED MY LIFE FORCE AND LIED TO ME FOR YEARS

Bill W. touched on it when he mentions “emotional disorder” he just didn’t elaborate or realize that emotional constipation which is disorder was at the core of most addictions. (At least that’s my theory.)

Hurt transforms into anger and we can’t cope with hating ourselves so we bury the hate into a thing called blame. We are constantly on the look-out for new people, places and things to blame for the way we feel deep inside. We deceive us and others. We must resent people and blame them to deal with and cover up the way we actually feel about ourselves. The only true resentment that sends us back out is the resentment toward ourselves.

Why do people claim they have a cure for addiction? Why are some people cured and others sign on to the belief “once an addict always an addict”. Simply because they don’t know the cure. Or they have done one part of the cure and left off another.

What is the cure?

Find the core issues of the original hurt and pain, usually stemming from a very early age, and emotionally process them. (cry, scream, write, share). Transcendental meditation will show us our core issues. While at the same time we must develop new routines, new habits, new people, places, and things. Find new goals and a new purpose for life that is healthy. Work the twelves steps and learn how to use the steps when needed including the fear list and steps three, four, eleven, and twelve. Work step twelve for several years or some kind of service work to build self-esteem. And the big one (included in the steps) get a Higher Power by seeking with your heart and stay in contact with that Higher power as much as possible.

That all sounds like allot. Isn’t there an easier softer way? YES AS A MATTER OF FACT THERE IS AN ‘EASIER SOFTER WAY’. But it’s not something you can buy or special order. You can put yourself in a position to get it but there are no guarantees if you do get it how long it will last as your only source of recovery. The white light experience straight from God is the only easier softer way. Usually people who receive white light experiences go on to carry the message of Jesus Christ or God while not doing any of the 12 step work on their character flaws. And why would they? They are riding a pink cloud. But pink clouds don’t last. God will remove some flaws during this experience but seldom, well I have never ever seen God make anybody perfect…ever. So usually these people fall into some flavor of character flaw. Most likely they delve into judging others, get their resentment back and relapse. Then they really hate themselves even more because now they are turning their back on a God they know exists.

I know, sad story…I am talking about myself during my first bout of recovery. And I have seen this same pattern manifest often in others, usually Christians in recovery. Never the less it does not mean God fails or Jesus has abandon us somehow. It just means God clearly WILL NOT TAKE A HUMAN’S SELF-WILL. He will enlighten us, but it’s up to us to go out and get fulfillment once we are enlightened. Hence step eleven and why it works, it fulfills us spiritually. Step twelve builds our self worth, and fulfills us spiritually. Step Ten, well I have found that Ten really isn’t enough, but instead it’s step four that I need to revisit every six months to a year and do thoroughly. When fear of relapse slips in, I remember two things, I have turned my life and will over to the care of God. And the program works, I can turn to the program, work a step. This is what keeps me sober after countless lapses. Sure if I rely on me I will fail. I rely on God, the steps, and the fact that I am being healed and healing by processing core issues.

So can I really call this a cure? ABSOLUTELY! There are many things that humans have to do to stay well. Such as eating, sleeping, nurturing and being nurtured. We do not call ourselves sick because we require food. why would I call myself sick because I require a spiritual program?

I DO NOT NEED TO CALL MYSELF SICK TO BE RECOVERED. THAT’S RIDICULOUS! CALLING MYSELF SICK AND AN ADDICT IS NOT WHAT HEALS OR KEEPS ME SOBER IS IT?

NO. I WAS AN ADDICT FOR 35 YEARS I KNOW WHAT SICK IS. I WILL NO LONGER CALL MYSELF SICK UNDER THE ILLUSION AND FEAR THAT IF I SAY I AM HEALED I WILL RELAPSE. THAT IS A.A. SUPERSTITION AND LORE WHICH IS DERIVED FROM FEAR.

The 12 Steps- every resentment, shame, every guilt, every hate, every prejudice, every intense hurt, every theft. We do this till a light goes off and we then recognize our character defect patterns. I recommend at least 1 page of writing for each offense. Repeat the process every year and when we get bungled up.

New fellowship either church, AA people, somewhere we can start a new social life.

Therapy honest and thorough, we must go back and feel the pain and process it out in an emotional way.

God-find your God

Set goals

We can change who we are but it takes work. So what Life is work.

Be Sure to read part 2 “Is Resentment the #1 Offender?”

November 14, 2015

Is Alcoholics Anonymous a Cult?

AA

BLAME

CULTS

Is AA a cult?

Well that depends on who you ask the question. One thing for certain about the human race…we get some kind of fulfillment out of stamping a “BAD” label on groups of people, organizations, types of people etc. We don’t want the karma or negative consequences that harsh judgement could bestow on us so we should definitely be careful about using the word “cult”. There are lots of articles labeling AA a cult. But really what are the characteristics of a true cult?

An organization that insists on separating you from your friends and family.
A group of people that want to control your behavior, the way you look, act by lots of rules and regulations that are invasive and contrary to freedom.
A religious group that insists they are the only one’s who know God. They drill into you that all other spiritual and religious groups are bad, wrong and evil. And they insist that they are the “way” to God. Without them you will be lost and doomed to a fate worse than death.
They often claim to be the only prophets on the face of the Earth.
They make themselves as God by requiring that you worship them, him. They require that you give you self wholly to them. All of you your mind, body, time, and work. They require that you give all your worldly possessions to them.
They ultimately require that you cross your own moral boundaries and good conscience to obey them even unto death or group suicide. The ultimate sacrifice.
A cult usually condemns everyone else they claim to be all-knowing when it comes to who and what is evil. Their primary purpose is to manipulate you into handing over all your power and choices.

Pretty vicious! These are evil characteristics at best and clearly just another form of blame by a cults condemnation of all other things religious/spiritual .

Is AA a cult? No, not by it’s doctrines, which are the 12 steps and 12 traditions absolutely not. Granted that does not mean that there could never be cultist sects working within AA. Made up of people that practice AA completely contrary to the 12 steps and traditions, but that goes for any large group within organizations. Any group of people can go awry.

However, few if any religious organizations have the liberating and non-controlling foundation that AA has by its 12 Tradition. Nor does any other religion suggest that you seek God and put your own vision and label on God. AA does not hand us God on a platter served up with a cocktail of legalistic regulations of what HE looks like acts like dresses like, wants us to dress like Nor do they serve a desert of descriptive visuals of the punishment and torture God will smite us with if we don’t obey all the rules.

Spirituality does not come in a box. We do not come to know God by other people’s seeking God for us. We must seek out our Higher Power on our own. That way when we reach that pie in the sky the great creator of human life will recognize us and know exactly who we are because we prayed, meditated, sought God with our might and even helped a few addicts along the way.

Out of a desperation that only the fear of utter emotional pain, death, suffering and worse can induce. Yes by this woe we found God and by this woe we learned that Love is an action that we take to receive back that same Love.

(thanks to Erwin Guillem for the gorgeous photograph that can be found on “your shot” National Georgraphic.)